Take me to Piedra

“By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river — leaves, insects, the feathers of birds — is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget.” – Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra

River Piedra

If the legends are true, take me to Piedra…let me take all the pains inside me and threw it away, let it be gone forever, make me forget it existed.

As days pass by, it grows worse, it keeps on getting more painful each day. An unhappy soul not knowing the purpose of her existence, what on earth am I here for?

Boredom is hell in disguise, waking up for the usual routines, tireless waiting, pointless pencil pushing, hungry for some purpose.

Where do I go from here? Do beginnings still exist? How much is the price that I shall pay for, just to have one?

Breaking point, here I am again, a familiar place yet I am sure this one is different. Where did I go wrong?

Fighting off destiny maybe that was my crime, I’ve had enough of the suffering now, please stop the punishment. Don’t you think the beatings not yet enough?

Could be I’m just looking for something to blame and destiny has always been a helpful friend to swallow it?

It’s dark, I cannot see, been praying for light for so long. What’s after gaining another distinction, when people out there can hardly notice.

Belittled, underestimated, was age really an issue? Please tell me, what shall I do to prove thy self? If you don’t want me, then why did you take me in?

Insulted could be the word at times and one shall never allow such, but they are in the capacity to further do things that could inflict pain in every possible way.

It was never said to be fair, only worth it, but weak as a human, I get tired, I am tired. Lessons, maybe I have enough for now, let me prove it that I’ve learned something, give me a chance.

It hurts so much, that even just a mere thought can cause me to shatter. I hid everything with a smile as I muster the courage to go on. But where is Piedra? Take me there, make me forget the everyday pain of travelling a path that I can’t make sense right now.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, help me for I am nothing but a weak human. Help me find the job that can bring me happiness, fulfillment and prosperity. Help me, O Lord, the desires of my heart are simple, and I know they are not selfish, I know you have plans for me, not to harm but to give me bright future. Be with me O Lord, when I’m at brink of losing hope, help me O Lord, guide me to the right path.”

Normal

Normal- an adjective which means usual; without any special characteristics or circumstances.

Weirdly Normal

But what’s normal for me may not be normal for you. Frappuccinos in the morning is normal for me but not for some. Others can sleep for 12 straight hours while for others that is too long. Desserts before the main course, mixing ketchup and gravy, dipping french fries on a sundae, all these eating habits sounds weird but for some, it’s normal. What’s normal for me may be weird for you, what’s normal for you may be weird for me. So, maybe we can say that everybody is weirdly normal, weird right? or you just find it normal? 🙂 🙂 🙂

Normal or not, the weirdness, is sometimes what defines us, what makes us distinct, what makes us who we are, so why change what’s normal for you just for you to gain acceptance? Instead, choose someone who can be as normal as you are, or someone who can accept the normal you and whom you can also accept as the normal person that they are.

I am often bombarded by the question, “Why you don’t you have a boyfriend?”, many times I wished I know the answer and many times I wished I have the courage to answer, “Had I known the reason, I might have done something about it.” but instead, I just give the sweetest smile that I could. Just this morning, I happened to stumble upon a blog about the movie “All About Steve” starring Sandra Bullock and found the quote: “Why should you have to change to be normal? All you have to do is find someone who’s as normal as you are.” Maybe, that’s the answer, I haven’t found someone who’s as normal as I am, I haven’t found the one who’ll accept the normal me for me to accept the normal person that he is.

The sign is there are no signs

“Amen I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation.”
-Mark 8:12

If you believe, there is no need for a sign. If you do not believe no sign will ever convince you.

During college, me and my friends often visit the guidance counselor’s office for the fishbowl containing rolled small pieces of paper where either verses, quotes or advices were written. Now that I’m working, I still get those litlle pieces of advice each time I go to Greenbelt Chapel. Oftentimes, as I walk towards the chapel, I pray that God will use those small writings in paper to give me a sign. Last week, I went to the chapel again and did my ritual of asking for signs, surprisingly what I got were those italicized words written above. I smiled upon reading it, ’cause more often than not I get confused about what God’s message to me is.

We ask signs not because we lack faith but because we strongly believe in His existence and we want God to actually speak to us using a certain medium, for us to avoid confusion and misinterpretations but God made man so intelligent that we can choose how to interpret the “signs” that he sent us. Being the rational humans that we are, capable of logic and reasoning, we formulate our own ways of deciphering God’s message. Our interpretations, depends on our perspectives, our beliefs, what we want to happen, so it is not anymore surprising that a specific event can actually be given millions of different meanings.

Going back to the italicized words above, it is indeed true, if we believe, if we have faith in Him that He will never leave us, if we trust His wisdom that He is letting things happen because there is a great purpose behind it, we don’t really need signs. For signs are subject to the inadequacies and imperfections of human judgment. If the sign will reveal itself in exact opposite of what our hearts truly desire we use our mind to interpret it in a way it will be in accordance to what we want. The same God whom we are asking for signs is also the same God who gifted us with wisdom for us to know and decide on things, praying for His guidance and acting while believing that He will stand by us no matter what, is what God actually wants us to do, to keep on having and strengthening our faith in Him.

Over your games

This isn’t exactly the perfect theme song for my life right now but for the lack of a better song (maybe because I’m not a music junk), I’m posting Katherine Mc Phee’s Over It.

 

OVER IT

I’m over your lies
And I’m over your games
I’m over you asking me
When you know
I’m not OK

You call me at night
And I pick up the phone
And though you be tellin’ me
I know
You’re not alone

Oh
And that’s why
Your eyes
I’m over it
Your smile
I’m over it
Realized
I’m over it
I’m over it
I’m over

Wanting you
To be wanting me
No that ain’t no way to be
How I feel
Read my lips
Because I’m so over
I’m so
Moving on
And it’s my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first
A little bit
And now I’m so over
I’m so over it

I’m over your hands
And I’m over your mouth
Tryin’ to drag me down
And fill me with self doubt

Oh
And that’s why
Your world
I’m over it
So sure
I’m over it
I’m not your girl
I’m over it
I’m over it
I’m over

Wanting you
To be wanting me
No that ain’t no way to be
How I feel
Read my lips
Because I’m so over
I’m so
Moving on
And it’s my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first
A little bit
And now I’m so over
So over it
I’m so over it

Woo-oh-oh

Don’t call
Don’t come by
Ain’t no use
Don’t ask me why
You’ll never change
There’ll be no more
Cryin’ in the rain

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-wo-wo

I’m so over it
Wanting you
To be wanting me
No that ain’t no way to be
How I feel
Read my lips
Because I’m so over
I’m so
Moving on
And it’s my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first
A little bit
And now I’m so over
So over it
I’m so over it

I’m so over it
Wanting you
To be wanting me
No that ain’t no way to be
How I feel
Read my lips
Because I’m so over
I’m so
Moving on
And it’s my time
You never were a friend of mine
Hurt at first
A little bit
And now I’m so over
So over it

It could be that I’m just convincing myself that I am over it but it could also be that I really am. The first one was too fast, too fast that I was deprived even just the mere chance to feel the hurt and lick my wounds, I moved on right then and there. The second time was the most painful, I kept my hopes high, it took me so long to get over it. When there was an imminent danger that there will be a third wave, I promised myself not to fall into the trap once again. I can’t measure how well I did on that promise, there is no gauge available for such. All I know is, I used my better judgment this time. I’m so over your games.

The legends of X and Y

X and Y

Let “X” be ex, ex as in ex-boyfriend.
Let “Y” be why, why there was never an us?

Based on my own definition of the four lettered word, “L-O-V-E” sometime during my teenage years, I loved them both. But X and Y are not the same and will never be, there was something official with X but with Y it was always, almost but not quite, so near yet so far…

“Between X and Y, who is it that you love more?”, a close friend once asked. I didn’t know what to answer, maybe it’s Y ’cause he’s really special to me but what about X? I sacrificed a lot for X, maybe I did love him more. I’m confused. It doesn’t matter anymore at this point, who is who but reminiscing after years had passed, feelings have subsided and everything’s nothing but a distant memory won’t make any harm, better assessments could be made when one is not anymore clouded with emotions, right?

With X, it was more of what we have today, the present, if we’re together today then that’s really good, if we’re fighting, let’s fix it today if we can, if not, let’s see if there’s tomorrow for us to patch up things. What’s important is the present, I can’t see the future with him, I refuse to…maybe because, there is no future to envision in the first place.

With Y, it’s the future, full of uncertainties and what ifs. What if one day I wake up realizing that I’m not in love with you as much as I thought I am, what if we’ll fight, what if we’ll end up hurting each other, what if we are not meant to be. Maybe, it’s the reason why we didn’t surpass the “could have been state”.

I don’t know which is greater between the two, or if there is really something great with the two. No matter what, it wouldn’t really matter now, X is already an X that can’t be substituted by Y ’cause Y will just forever be a question left unanswered.

Christmas Time

Merry Christmas

Time flies, it’s now Christmas, my favorite time of the day year. I love the cold Christmas weather here in the Philippines, it feels like Forks every morning, the wind brings a different kind of chill, the coldness of the air gives a distinct feel that can only be felt during Christmas. I love puto bumbong and bibingka, just the mere smell makes my mouth water. Everyone seems to be in a good mood, everyone is excited, reconciliations abound, reunions are left and right, everyone has a reason to celebrate. The streets are brightly lit with parols and twinkling Christmas lights plus, the singing of Christmas carols by children. Gift giving and parties are also non-stop, weekend shopping sprees and a whole lot more.

But let us not forget the true essence of the celebration, Christmas Day is about how God gave us His only begotten son, Jesus Christ.

“Merry Christmas”

“Lord, as we celebrate this joyous occassion, help us not lose it’s real meaning, help us not to be blinded by consumerism. May those who are less fortunate, especially the victims of Ondoy and Pepeng still find a reason to celebrate despite of what happened. Amen.”

Winds of Change

Winds of Change

Three years, one profession, two companies, two fields of practice, numerous reports, hundreds of issues, 100 officemates, hundreds of thousands of income but where am I now? I don’t know.

Just recently, my name got longer again by three letters, apart from being a Certified Public Accountant, I am now a Certified Internal Auditor. But, what has changed after gaining another certification? Not much, not a promotion, not even a pay raise, only a longer name. Don’t get me wrong for I am not complaining, I am just looking for something, a place where I can find happiness, fulfillment and prosperity all at the same time.

“The wind is always blowing on your direction”, a friend once told me. Well, life has been very good to me, and I’ve always been so thankful for it. I was able to enter one of the country’s most prestigious university, I got into the most sought after program, I graduated with good grades and passed the so-called most difficult board examination in just one take, so yes, life has been very good to me but I’m not saying that I have a perfect life, I know there are others out there who are more blessed than I am, and they might react on this article, but I digress. I too have my own fair share of difficulties and hardships but only a few or maybe no one among my fellows saw those things.

But as I entered the concrete jungle of the real world, life wasn’t that good anymore but again the people around me didn’t see that. How will they notice such, when I received a call from the country’s most respected auditing firm four hours after being enlisted as a professional, how? They didn’t know how hard it is to prove one’s self, to establish who you are in the business world when you are just at the beginning of your career and you are nothing but a mere dot at the bottom of the food chain. Other people will only see that you took an out of town trip, that your closet is full, that there’s a more than a dozen of shoe boxes kept under your bed but what you’ve gone through and what you’re going through? No, most people don’t know that, they don’t know the things you had to go through.

I never was a bum, I am gainfully employed before reaching 21 and that was also the time when I began experiencing the bittersweet taste of life in the real world. From being a high school Queen Bee, I am now an “Ass”ociate, working my ass up to wee hours in the morning to fix the financials of clients. I don’t give orders anymore, I take them and I am paid to follow them, whether I like it or not. I must surrender to the pointless demands of the boss. I must listen to whatever it is she has to say for after six months, I’ll be at her mercy, whether to be kicked out or remain as an “Ass”ociate, I remained as an “Ass”ociate. After, tremendous adjustments and numerous sacrifices, judgment day came, this time the wind didn’t blew my way, it was so against me that it almost break me, no one knew for I need to put a face, a strong face, a defense mechanism. So I left, companies left and right we’re calling but offers weren’t that lucrative ’til one company called up for an interview and before the day ended, I’m hired. I’ll begin in less than two weeks, I was also shocked. Is the wind blowing towards my direction once again? I thought so but no it’s not, for here I am writing this blog, ’cause I’m not doing anything. Maybe, I should be blamed for I work too fast? But why too fast? It is because this is a pencil pushing 8-hour job that is not putting my skills into its best use. It is insulting everyday, my name is too long for what I am doing, call me conceited but that is how I feel, I am too good for this.

Am I fighting destiny? Maybe, this is not where I am supposed to be that’s why the wind seems to be against me or there is a lesson I need to learn. I’m not saying that I hate bosses and taking orders, I know that’s how the cycle goes and we need to learn by under going such cycle neither am I biting the hand that is feeding me, it pays my bills and takes me to places but I need a purpose, something worthy of my time, something that could make me feel proud of myself that I was able to put into use those two certifications that I worked so hard to attain, is that too much to ask?

Maybe, tomorrow the wind will blow my way once again, I’m not losing hope. Maybe, tomorrow I’ll receive the call that can give me happiness, fulfillment and prosperity.

“Lord, help me keep the faith that one day the wind will once again blow my direction, that I’ll be able to find fulfillment in my career, happiness for myself and prosperity. Anyway, thank you for this job.”

Serving God

One of the things that I’ll be forever grateful for my Alma Mater, the University of Santo Tomas is that apart from equipping me with the technical competence in my field, it also brought me closer to God, it strengthened my faith and made me understand more what a true christian is.

Imbued with unending grace

“The university affirms its role in the formation of men and women to become competent and compassionate professionals committed to the service of the Church, the nation and the global community.”

The University’s mission as paraphrased by my Theology professor is, to bring to the church into whatever field of profession the student chooses. We have our own strengths and weaknesses, some are good in numbers, some excel in writing, some are gifted with passion for the preservation of culture, some are good speakers, some are very good in computers, all these various strengths and weaknesses are given by God. But it is for us to determine which we are good at, how we can further improve those innate qualities, how we’re going to use it and how we’ll use it to serve God, the one who gave it to us.

Serving God doesn’t only mean entering priesthood or being in the nunnery, we can serve him by remaining to be professionals, by pursuing our lifelong dream, we can bring the Church to the profession we choose by being Christ-centered accountants, engineers, doctors, nurses, teachers, lawyers and so on. We can choose the means on how we are going to serve HIM for as long as the end is, bringing back the glory to HIM.

God gifts us with the abilities and the discernment to find out what we can do best, so in return let’s give back to HIM by serving HIM through those gifts, the cycle goes on. Imagine what kind of world we’re going to have if we all follow the cycle.