The Truth

“Sometimes, it’s better not to ask for the truth but let strong suspicion remain just a silent intuition. Especially when you would be very vulnerable. I’ve also learned not to care anymore for every single detail. Choose what to let go and what to mind about. I’ll be wiser and better after this stage. But for now , my silence and strange presence is the best for us.”

 

I stumbled upon this status on Facebook some minutes ago. Funny, how people from different parts of the world are feeling the same feeling.

I always want to know the truth, even if it hurts. Just this afternoon, I tried to find out the truth despite knowing that the answers to my questions will just lead to some more questions. But as the status message goes, there are times when it’s better not to ask for the truth even if you’ll be haunted by your suspicions especially once you proved it to be true. Yes, I was right all along. I’ve suspected that these damn thing will happen but I hoped against all hopes that may be the heavens have finally rewarded me, my prayers have been answered. But things didn’t turned out the way I was hoping them to, it turned out the way I suspected. Once again, my intuition proved me right.

As I look into her eyes to ask for the truth, all of a sudden everything blurred. I don’t want to care anymore about the details ’cause I know it will just hurt more. As she said, “move on”. Yes, it’s the only choice we all have. Time won’t stop as we lick our wounds. This thing is of great importance to me but for now it’s best to just let go.

It gave me pain, it ruined my faith but it left me lessons and somehow showed the way to have more definite plans for the future. I know this didn’t happen without a purpose, I have yet to discover and understand that part. But for now, even if the wounds are still fresh and at times bleeding, I’m choosing to numb myself of the pain and just move on. I’ll just be silent as I’ve always been most of the time, plan on the things that I want to achieve and as I am still making plans and act on them as time permits, I am staying. I am staying even our presence towards each other is awkward.

Hindi mo rin nanaising maging ako

Ang nakikita nyo kasi maganda ang suot ko, nakangiti ako, maraming tatak ang passport ko at madalas may bagong picture sa Facebook. Most of the people I know are thinking na perfect ang buhay ko except sa palpak kong love life. Pero kung alam nyo lang paano mabuhay ang isang tulad ko, paano maging ako hindi nyo nanaising maging ako.

Oo, hindi nyo nanaising maging ako just the same as hindi ko rin naman nanaising maging kayo. Bakit ko nga ba sinusulat ‘to? Hindi naman talaga ko popular na tipong everybody knows me and wants to be me, I’m just a normal office girl pero sa pamilya at friends ko iba ang tingin nila sa akin. Feeling nila big time ako, maganda naman talaga ang trabaho ko kung yun lang, pero hindi naman limpak limpak ang pera ko tulad ng inaakala nila, puro kasi panlabas ang nakikita ng mga tao pero ung pinagdadaanan ng isang tulad ko hindi naman nila alam. Hindi nila alam na deep down inside despite of a career that looks successful and well paying on the outside, I still have this feeling na hindi enough ang na-achieve ko, na feeling ko I could do better, na parang under utilized pa rin ang competencies ko, I want more siguro dahil ambisyosa ko masyado. Hindi nyo rin alam na feeling ko minsan hindi pa rin enough ang kinikita ko lalo na kapag nakikita ko sa Facebook na dollars ang kinikita ng iba kong ka-batch. Friends? I have lots of friends but there are also times when I feel like I don’t belong at all yung tipong lagi kang sa gitna, yung kausap mo nga lahat pero kapag nagkapilian ng tig-iisang isasalba hindi ka sure kung may pipili sa’yo. Don’t get me wrong I have true friends, sure naman ako dyan pero kasi yung mga sure ako na true friends hindi ko na rin sila nakakasama everyday kaya minsan napi-feel kong I’m left out. Hindi na ako aangal sa out of town or out of the country trips pero ‘lam mo yung feeling na minsan gusto mo lang manood ng sine o mag-mall, mag-try ng bagong resto pero wala kang kasama unless na lang ilibre mo ang kapatid mo o ang nanay mo, hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako na nagpapalibre sila, wala lang parang ang loser lang, imagine I’ve watched movies alone. Ok lang rin naman manood ng mag-isa, mas naaappreciate ko nga ung movie eh pero iba pa rin ung paglabas ng movie house eh may kakwentuhan ka ’bout sa pinanood nyo o may katawanan ka kasi naiyak ka sa mga unexpected scenes. Ang dami kong angal di ba? Idagdag pa natin ang mapanghusgang mata ng mga tao, na dahil ganito ang pagkakakilala nila sa’yo laging may expectations lalo na sa ipapakilala mong boyfriend, oh well, hindi ko pa dapat problemahin yan dahil wala pa naman talaga akong ipapakilala sa ngayon. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people think as long as I’m not hurting anyone (intentionally) pero aminin man natin at hindi, it matters somehow, may reputation na gusto i-keep.

Madami akong reklamo pero hindi ko pa rin ipagpapalit ang buhay na meron ako, ’cause despite it’s imperfections I’m still very thankful for each day what I’m just trying to say is each one of us are going through something, no one leads a perfect life so ‘wag mong isiping masarap maging ibang tao, let’s just trust God’s wisdom.

Bitter Gourd

Alone in the weekends, stuck in front of the laptop, watching movies and drama series, facebooking for hours… weekends like these are really boring when what you really want is to go out, have fun, go to places you’ve never been to, eat out and experience different cuisines. I can go to places and eat out, I’m not rich but I have the money to do all those activities in moderation but I cannot, ’cause I’m alone. I know it’s still possible to do all those things even when you’re alone but it just feels so stupid and pathetic. I used to think I’ve got friends, lots of friends, it’s still true, it’s just that they are not here anymore, some went to their hometown, other’s schedules doesn’t fit mine while others are so busy with their love life. It really feels like I’m so alone, it’s depressing when you’re just almost beginning you’re life but you’re experiencing this. It feels like I must have done a really big sin or committed a murder in my past life to experience this. I go out once in a while with my mom or my little sister but then…I have to pay for everything… it feels like I have to buy someone else’s company…so sad…

When will this end? Am I being so bitter with life?

Repost: Out of here

I received this through email, it’s a very nice article, I thought I was reading my sentiments, I can truly relate to it, so let me share it with you.

Out of here
By Anna Veniza R. Arcilla
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 02:10:00 09/12/2009

Filed Under: Employment
Soon I will be leaving the company that has been my home for two years and nine months. The idea of leaving has been giving me nightmares, but I know this is what I really want.
When I first joined the company, I was an idealistic neophyte who believed that as long as I was doing my job, no problems would arise. I was happy with the company, and it became a second home for me. I gained friends and even won their respect and loyalty. I developed feelings for someone who turned out to be a womanizer (the feeling lasted for only one month), and now he is my ka tropa. I fell seriously for an IT guy with a wide forehead (who just got promoted recently), and now we are kind of “MU” (mutual understanding) after two years of waiting. And I was able to save enough money for some of my future plans.
Months passed. New people were hired, and trained. Some old co-workers got promoted and some left for reasons I could not comprehend at first.
Then it suddenly dawned on me that something was wrong with the situation. There were nice people who got promoted and began sprouting horns on their heads. There were others who were already bad even before they were hired and they were spreading discontent and havoc.
I saw a couple of my fellow workers crying because a monster of a manager had screamed at them. Even as tears continued to flow from their swollen eyes, they were still checking documents and searching for errors, no matter how hard it was to focus on the computer screen.
I saw my pregnant friend crying because a satanic manager was cursing her online. Another friend was humiliated by a moody manager when she filed for a leave of absence.
I reacted violently when the company decided to increase our salaries based on our rating system. A nice manager had given a neophyte a grade of 4+ (even if he was still committing a lot of errors) while another manager gave an experienced worker a grade of 2 (even though she was one of the best employees). The neophyte received a P1,700 salary increase and the latter got a P300 increase. Was that fair?
I learned that when somebody got promoted, it meant he had stepped on someone else, like crabs in a basket. I also learned that an employee is only an employee, and no matter how long he has been in the company and how hard he has been working, he still remains just an employee—without a voice, without the right to talk or to question things, and with the duty to follow and act dumb.
I am not saying this because I feel bitter. Bitter over what? Because I have never been promoted even if I have put all my energies into my work? Because I sacrificed time for my family so I could render overtime work in compliance with orders of my superiors? When my mom died in a hospital, I didn’t know about it until my shift was over because we were not allowed to bring cell phones into the work area.
It is every worker’s dream to be promoted because it means receiving a salary higher as well as some perks and privileges. But in this company, I cannot even dream of being promoted because that won’t change anything. Instead it will give the people above you another excuse to bully you.
I know that I am sounding like a spoiled brat, sulking over things I cannot have. But sometimes you need to act like a brat so that you will get what you really want. And now all I want is a work place that will be a true second home for me.
So, I had this plan of leaving, and a plan to find a replacement. Then I told my boss that I was quitting.
Two of the best managers of our department talked to me and told me they were happy with my decision. They understood and they knew how I felt. They seemed actually to share my relief as I was telling them about my decision.
Friends are asking me what made me quit. I tell them there is life after work, and that I need my life back. I need to slow down and assess my life and feel free for a while. And my only regret is that I didn’t do it earlier. I’m not running from the things that make me apply excessive eye liner and eye shadow to express my anger, I just want to clear my mind and know who I really am.
Now I realize that working hard is not enough to make one happy on the job. Some things aren’t good as what we want to be. I know that by leaving, I can learn things other than what I know now. I am not dumb, and I don’t want to be forever following black witches’ orders.
I used to be a kind, soft-spoken girl with an understanding heart, but now I am completely the opposite. I came to the point of looking at life as if it’s a curse. I don’t want myself to continue hating life.
I want the old me but I want to bring with me the things I learned. This place has made me strong. It taught me to be thankful for living a simple life, simple yet happy. It also made me realize that I miss my family and friends.
My father told me that I should look for a new job where I can be happy and which will not take me far from them. He reminded me that they had taught me and my siblings to believe that simplicity spells happiness. Who am I to disagree?
When I go, I will be leaving behind the people who have been nice to me. But this is a small world and I know we will bump into each other again and again. And there is Facebook and Friendster to help us stay in touch. As for the IT guy, he will still be there, texting me every night.

(Anna Veniza R. Arcilla, 26, is a graduate of Jose Rizal University with a Bachelor of Commercial Science Major in Management degree.)

Will High School ever end?

I finished High School way back March 2002. After graduation day there were still calls, emails and text messages from friends every now and then but as time goes by, the frequency waned from everyday to once a week to once a month ’til no more. Thanks to friendster and facebook that enables each and everyone of us to somehow stay connected to people from our past more specifically our high school friends.

But last Friday, August 21 it felt like entering a time machine. My high school best friend visited me in our house and we chatted for like eight straight hours from career to investments and of course, love life. When she was about to go home, we saw another friend from high school whom we lost contact for some reasons. We said our hi’s and hello’s and chatted about everything. But those two encounters were not enough, ’cause even before that, a friend from high school was inviting me to join his church group. This friend is some sort of special way back high school and it’s such a surprise to hear from him again and got an invitation alongside. But all these weren’t still enough, someone texted me last monday telling me that my ex-boyfriend wants to make amends with me for old time sake, yes, my ex-boyfriend is another high school friend. Our story is sort of connected to the special guy. I don’t know the real intentions of my ex-boyfriend suddenly appearing to be so apologetic about the past but I do doubt if his intentions are pure. I really believe that there is something malicious behind it, I know him and I’ve had enough of him for me to feel this way. The thing is, he’s trying to reach me again through our common friend who used to be our “bridge”, so high school.

I’m glad to once again hear from those three friends I’ve mentioned but the “ex” thing is something I’d rather forget. Those three people still played their same roles, the special friend still makes a buzz the moment I mentioned him to them, the ex thing is still interfering with the sudden revival of my friendship with my “special” friend. Oh well, will high school ever end?