When boredom strikes…

I’m bored beyond my wits today, I want to write but I can’t think of anything to write. So here I am, about to type some bits and pieces which I hope I can use in the future for any of my writings…

“It’s the intensity of the situation that brought us closer than ever despite of the very short passage of time that we spent together.”

“I look at him, then I asked myself, what is it that I see in you? that today I still couldn’t fathom the reason why I can’t forget you.”

“There is only one person I ever loved but I fell in love more than once.”

“Once someone becomes a part of your life, you can’t anymore change that, for they remain even if you don’t want them to.”

“A man is made up by the series of experiences he has to go through.”

“…It doesn’t mean that you love God any less”

“We’re okay, we’re fine, nothing can change that but we both know that, that’s it, we can’t be together for some reason we couldn’t name, yet we mutually understand.”

“They say, it’s when the mind agrees with the heart.”

“You can never be happy for as long as you’re using others lives as a yardstick. Make your own path to travel and please don’t pattern it with somebody else’s.”

“I’ve already accepted that while most people think I’ve got the best of everything, there is one thing I’ll never have, that’s you.”

“Most people stick around not because they love you for being you but rather they are after in what they can get from being associated with you.”

“The more blessed you become, the more you should be kind to others, in that way you can give back your blessings.”

“Some people’s action doesn’t coincide with what they’re actually saying.”

“I hate it when you look at me as if trying to tell me that you want me, when I know that those eyes belongs to the one who broke my heart twice.”

“I want to spend my lifetime with you, I know you’ll let me but they won’t.”

“You are in my dreams, the more I run and hide, the more I see you.”

“Most of the time, we look for sparks but more often than not we can’t find any.”

“Life is still fair, the one whom you feel the spark doesn’t feel any towards you but how about those who felt the spark towards you but you can’t feel any?”

“We’re living life each day, but why can’t we still find it’s meaning?”

“Once upon a time, we were all young and stupid.”

“Just because you didn’t turn out the way people were expecting you to be, it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped being your friend.”

“You don’t have to shut us out and confine yourself in your bubble just because you’re sad and you think you’re miserable. Open up, unload it, it helps.”

Biggest mistake

I can’t look at him, I know he’s just there. I’m not sure I can feel his eyes looking at me but I rather assume he’s not. He’s not really looking. This is most probably the most awkward moment of my life, sitting in this room forcing myself to smile.

How I wish, I never met him, never made friends with the boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting at the park bench. Had I not known him, my life would have been totally different.

Guess, I might have become the victim of the bullies in the park. Also, my high school life might not be the same. Like, I don’t have to feel guilty everytime I excel over the others, especially him, thinking that his mother will get mad at him again. I might have experienced a normal teenage love life, those guys following me might have courted me had they been not afraid of him, or had they didn’t think that we are secretly together. Not that I want to collect suitors like trophies, it just doesn’t feel normal that everybody else thinks that you belong to a certain someone especially, when you’re not. In fact, he never spoke a word to me after I won the Math quiz bee championship. But the guilt of overtaking him in class didn’t stop me, of course. It’s not my fault, I’m not without mercy but I’m not trying to sabotage him or what, so that guilt has no basis. But if there’s another school nearby that’s as good as where were at, I’m willing to transfer just to give way, so that we’ll still be friends. As for the guys, I don’t really like them, it’s only him that I want.

Two years before finishing high school, we became friends again. No choice, we were assigned to work on a certain project, so after one or two awkward conversations trying to be “civil”, we found ourselves laughing at the same jokes and other stuffs like we used to do underneath the trees when we were younger. Instantly, we’re friends again, as if nothing happened. He’s a great friend, he has a deeper view of life, much deeper than you can expect from a 15-year old teenage guy. I saw how he remained to be strong when his family’s finances are going through the tough times. I asked him if there’s anything I can do to help him and he simply told me to stay close and be his friend. So, that’s what I did but not until the day I found out that he already has an official girlfriend. We remained friends but not close, I drew a line. No, I’m not jealous or anything, I don’t know, it also surprised me, I thought I’ll be but why do I have this crazy thing going on in my mind that, he’s going to come back to me one day. One day, he’ll knock at my doorstep and tell me, “This is your one last shot at destiny, love me now or lose me forever”. That scene, was so like him, I can’t help but smile as I imagine. I missed him during those times but I also don’t want to be the reason of any of their quarrels, I can’t bear to see his heart broken especially when he is in the most trying times of his life. Yes, he managed to have a girlfriend while they were still at their trying times, weird timing.

A few days after graduation, our phone rang, it was him but I had to put him down because somebody else called split second ahead of him. I never put him down even if he wasn’t the first one to call but not that night, I guess he noticed the change and asked me why. I gave him the most logical answer, he called first. He asked me, who was it, but I didn’t answer. The guy on the other line is a suitor, and when I didn’t answer his question, he simply said, “I know, who am I to ask?”. I promised to call him back as soon as he can but he told me not to. I still called him right after but there already was something strange in our conversation. Months after that, I said yes to that suitor, I guess that phone call incident is a sign of moving on. College was approaching and it will mean new life, new people, new place for me, not that I don’t him anymore in my life, it just feels like I have a lot of moving on to do.

I broke up with my boyfriend after a few months and more sooner than expected I became friends with him again. We went to parties together, we talk, we text from time to time. We became really close again, he’s always invited whenever there are gatherings at our house most especially on my birthday celebrations. He texts me to ask how my day was, to take care, to always smile but he never sent a quote not until one warm April evening. I received that damn Peter Pan quote, asking me to grow old with him. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, I couldn’t explain what I felt those times, half of me was even expecting that he’ll knock on my doorstep that night, but of course I wasn’t really sure what it was, everything but the word. I replied in quotation form as well but I can’t anymore remember the words I wrote. All I can remember was, that was his last text message ’til a few weeks after when I texted him to confirm a news that shocked me, he just got himself a girlfriend. Pain, my heart was broken, I can’t find the words to describe how I felt.

He still texts me from time to time, I still reply but I’ve drawn bigger lines this time. I focused on my studies and it produced fruitful results. I am happy with how my life was going but not for him. He didn’t turn out the way people expected him to. He didn’t graduate on time, he lost his girlfriend, his life has no clear direction. I wanted to help him out, encourage him like how he did to me, a month before my dreaded board exams, “God won’t let you go that far if that isn’t for you, it is for you”. Those simple words brought me back the faith I am losing and I feel indebted ’cause I can’t do the same for him. But he’s trying to shut me out each time I try.

Despite of everything I have right now, my life isn’t complete. I’m living each day wondering what could have been, if he did love me even just once. Just tell me the word, give me a reason to fight for you, give me a reason to stand up for you in this judging society that’s telling us we don’t belong now, not anymore. Let this not be our live’s biggest mistake.

But I know you can’t give me that reason anymore and even if you tell me you loved me, it wouldn’t really change a thing. Because today, I’m sitting here fighting back my tears, I can’t even look at you, I’m asking myself what am I doing here? It’s too stupid for me to be here, it won’t do me any good but just as you said years ago, to remain as your friend will be the greatest help that I could give. So here I am, celebrating with you, a momentous occassion of your life, your wedding day, as your friend.

His Version: https://mybrilliantsunshine.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/my-best-kept-secret/

My Best Kept Secret

There she is, sitting three tables away from me, I look at her as I remember the first time I saw her sitting at the park bench 19 years ago. Since then, I knew that she’ll be a part of my life but I never thought that she’ll be the greatest part and that here we are right now.

She looked so delicate and fragile back then, for strange reasons I felt the need of protecting her from anyone who tried to bully her, we became friends in an instant.

But things changed when we entered high school, we became classmates and that was the day when I felt that it’s me who needs to protect myself from her. I was raised to aim high, I was a competitive kid back then. When she came to school, things changed, everything that seemed too easy to reach for me became a challenge, she became my greatest rival. From being friends, we turned into some sort of enemies, I refused to speak a single word to her, I know it was too ungentleman, but I was a stupid youngster that time. But more than that, I guess I have to admit that the very thing I am protecting myself from is to fall for her. I know I’ll be making myself so vulnerable and lose sight of my goal, that is, to graduate with excellent marks if I’ll let it happen. She didn’t spoke a word to me either, I’m not expecting her to, for she’s not the fragile eight year old girl in pig tails holding her barbie doll, anymore. She became a force to reckon with, at least for me. She’s the campus Queen B, I know she never intended to become one but everybody’s following this tall high schooler, with long hair tied in high pony tail, wearing a face that’s too popular among the high school boys. She became too beautiful to be ignored. A lot of guys are courting her and it’s driving me crazy, for some unknown reasons I feel jealous.

I tried to divert my attention, to prevent myself from falling for her, so I courted someone whom I believe is more manageable for me, easier to handle, most of all not a rival. But it was also during those times when we became friends once again. At first, we were just civil, we need to work together for some project but her charm was so hard to resist, I didn’t realize ’til then, that she has this great power over me. We became friends again, I fell for her, she’s still the same sweet girl with a warm smile in the park bench. I tried to erase that memory and think that she became a strange bitch with her bunch of minions following her around the campus but I know I was wrong, and she proved that to me. She’s still the same, the only one who could talk sense to me whenever I’m on the brink of losing sanity. It was one of the most trying times of my life, my family was in a financial distress, thank God she was there for me, to keep the faith, I know I’m losing. But our “friends again” status didn’t last that long, when the girl I’m courting said yes to me. She put some distance between us ’til the day we parted days for college.

We talked every now and then, hours spent burning the phone lines knowing that it’s just the two of us felt so good but not until the day, she had to put it down for someone else. She got herself a boyfriend and I couldn’t explain to myself why it hurts me so badly, especially when I first saw them together, I hate the guy, she deserves someone better than him, and I want that guy to be me.

They parted ways soon enough, we’re friends again, as if we’ve always been, we went to parties together. I thought, this is it, let’s say goodbye to the friendship and have something more. I was planning to ask her to be my girl on her birthday but I chickened out. It was a beautiful night, no competition was around, she’s the most beautiful girl I ever saw, I want her to be mine. But I saw how her family is treating her, and her status in the society, she’s the only daughter of a wealthy businessman, she’s a princess who deserves no less than a prince and that prince couldn’t be me. My family never recovered, what do I have to offer, not that I feel that her parents dislike me, I was always welcome but I felt ashamed of myself, I can’t help it but feel like a beggar next to her.

So I again looked for a girl whom I think is more fitting for me. I convinced myself that she’s already with someone who could qualify as her prince just to get over. But I can’t help it, I still send her messages from time to time ’til the day I didn’t receive any reply. Maybe, she learned that I just got myself a girlfriend. She does it for the second time, putting a distance between us, she does it everytime I’m in a commitment with someone else. She always knows what to do. While me, I messed up, my high standards vanished, I didn’t graduate on time, my girl left me ’cause she can’t see a good future with me. While she graduated top of her class, she even topped her board exams, got herself a job right after with a multinational corporation on her own. She was a success while I was a failure personified. Now, she seemed farther as she ever was.

My life was in pieces, it was so hard to pick it up and be whole again ’til I met a girl who brought my faith back and this time it wasn’t her for she was busy climbing every ladder that she could. I was happy for her but I still can’t get over her, it’s been years and what I feel for her remained as a secret, I don’t think I’ll ever find the courage to tell her.

Now here I am looking at her from a distance, I want to go near her, hold her hand, kiss her and tell her how much I care about her, how much I love her, how I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to grow old with her. But I can’t, I’m such loser, not today, ’cause today I’m beside the girl who brought back my faith, easier to handle than her, maybe more fitting to who I am, an ordinary guy. An ordinary guy in love with an extraordinary girl who never got the courage to tell her how he felt.

As I look at her a girl holds my hand, the girl beside me…
my wife and today is our wedding day.

While the girl in pink dress I am looking at, right now, will just be a dream for me, my best kept secret and will remain as such.

Her version: https://mybrilliantsunshine.wordpress.com/2010/03/25/biggest-mistake/

Heart in Trouble

Nobody died of a broken heart but how to survive it, no one knows exactly how. There are no steps to follow, no clear cut procedures on how and when to begin, and most especially there are no over-the-counter medicines available.

How do you heal a broken heart? How would you feel if the guy you like falls for your closest friend? It’s not easy to see them, especially him running after her. It’s also not easy to see how your friend guards her movements because she’s thinking of your feelings. It’s not easy to feel everybody’s eyes looking at you on how you would react with the situation, despite knowing that these same people are the ones who can understand and are more than willing to support and comfort you. It wasn’t your fault, neither your friend’s, nor the guy involved. As they say, the reason it’s called “falling in love” is because you didn’t really intend to feel it, you just fall, nobody wanted to fall intentionally, unless your committing suicide. You want your friend to be happy, happiness that both of you deserves. You don’t know if she also feels the same towards the guy and just preventing it to save your friendship, depriving herself of her own happiness in the process. It’s hard, you are her friend and you want to be there for her, you want to remain to be the closest to her side, to share the beautiful moments of being in love for the first time but how about your own feelings. You don’t want to be selfish but neither would you want to be a masochist. How would one do it? Is it possible? To be her friend while trying to heal your broken heart?

I don’t know how to answer these questions, I’m not the one who’s broken hearted today but I’ve been there, I think and here I am alive and well. So I guess, no matter how complicated things are, you just have to accept it, their feelings are beyond your control, as I said nobody died of a broken heart.

Whoever you are, I know you’ll survive and if you still need to do some crying, just let me know, my shoulders are available but please bring your own hanky 🙂

….One day you’ll look back and everything will be a blur and you’ll find yourself smiling at your old dumb self.

So am I Izzie 2.0?

Izzie walks into the door, everybody was looks at her wearing a questioning face, everybody was doubting her capacity to be a surgeon, why? because she’s a blonde, a beautiful blonde, probably too beatiful to wear scrubs and hold a scalpel. That’s her biggest challenge, to prove herself that she is worthy to be inside the OR and save lives.

It’s too unfair to be judged whether through your physical attributes or not. It’s not Izzie’s fault to be a beautiful blonde, God made her that way.

This might be my most conceited post ever but its how I feel, this is my blog so I’ll post what I want.

I’m not blonde, taller than an average Filipina but not a 6 footer, unlike Izzie I never was a model. But I can relate to how she felt during Season 1 of Grey’s Anatomy.

My immediate superior asked me yesterday, “do you know how to use Microsoft Excel”? I was beyond shocked, of course, I know how to use Microsoft Excel probably since elementary or early high school. I can do more than MS Excel, I used to win in interschool competitions for computer quiz bees and even programming. I’ve dealt with more than enough worksheets while auditing and FYI my personal budget monitoring is in MS excel, complete with all the formulas even those using the logic formulas. I’ve got two certifications under my belt and I’m only 24, I’m not a dinosaur, so how would you think that I can’t do MS Excel. It is most probably the greatest insult of my life. I’ve heard it once, I’m too beautiful to be here, so, is that the reason why? They think that since I’m too beautiful to be here I might be brainless? Maybe I am really “too” beautiful in their judgement but that doesn’t mean I’m like those dumb blondes, that they’ll automatically think that there is nothing between my ears, maybe just for them to feel that life is still fair, after all. Just in case, they missed the memo, “Life isn’t fair”, there are endagered beings like us who are born this way while others like them are “just” born.

I’m sorry for sounding so full of myself.

Eclipse

Here’s the official trailer of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse to be shown in theaters come June 30, 2010.

Why does it seem that Jacob has the nice lines over Edward? Like, “you have to consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are” and “I’m gonna fight for you ’til your heart stops beating”.

Sad, Rachelle Lefevre isn’t playing Victoria anymore.

But no matter what, i’ll still be watching it. 🙂

Meant but not meant

We’re meant to meet
We’re meant to know each other
We’re meant to cross paths
We’re meant to be a part of each other’s lives
We’re meant to be friends
We’re meant to share moments
We’re meant to share dreams
We’re meant to be a part of each other’s dreams
We’re meant to comfort each other
We’re meant to paint a smile on each other’s faces
We’re meant to travel roads apart and find ourselves together again
We’re meant to share something special
But we’re not meant to be together.

It’s hard, but let this be my last blog about you. I know I’ve said it a lot of times, I promised myself but believe it or not, I’m really trying.

Weird Dreams

Having weird dreams is normal for me. I dreamt about reincarnation, me living in some other space and time and coming back to the present with that knowledge. My dreams are usually filled with roads, staircases and people from the past, as time passes by I think I have learned decoding the messages in the process. I’ve seen weird places, slanting walls, torns, strange beings as guards, I even had a series of dreams, they continue every night. Am I a paranormal? Or it’s just that my imagination runs so wild? Are my dreams just a manifestation of what I want or predict would happen?

Lately, I’ve dreamed of an airplane that can’t take off, I guess it’s a premonition of the cancelled HongKong trip. I’ve dreamed of my friend whom I am supposed to be travelling with carrying luggages and she can’t find a way out, I guess it still has to do with the trip. These weird dreams happened before I found out that she has a big problem.

I’ve also seen someone getting married with me in tow, I mean he is marrying the girl whom I suppose is his girlfriend but he is holding my hand while with her and even attempted to kiss me. I got mad of course, “You don’t get to marry someone else and kiss me.” I don’t know why I dreamed about this, I haven’t seen neither talked to the guy for months. Then, just now, I found out that he already has a girlfriend.

I don’t know why I dreamed all of these, is God unfolding what will happen in the immediate future through this?

When the much awaited don’t happen

I am so heart broken today. I’m supposed to leave for my much awaited Hong Kong-Macau trip, this evening but due to some circumstances which I have nothing to do of, I need to cancel unless I am brave enough to meet and greet Mickey and Minnie alone.

Oh Mickey, Oh Minnie, when can I finally see you in person?

I can go there alone but it would definitely less than half the fun I’m going to have if I’ll go with someone, and no one will take pictures 😦

I’m still determined to go and visit them within the year, that’s my goal.

So for now, let me just indulge myself on shopping and dining out to forget Disneyland for a while. After all, everything hapens for a reason.

Who knows…I might even get there for FREE 🙂

A Southern Weekend

While most people flocked the north to join the celebration of Panagbenga Festival in Baguio last weekend, me and three of my friends decided to visit the the South for some stress buster.

We left Makati at around 8AM for our first destination, Caleruega. Closer to Nature, Closer to God is Caleruega’s tagline. It’s name is a tribute to the birthplace in Spain of St. Dominic, the founder of the Order of Preachers (Dominican Order). Located in Batulao, Nasugbo, Batangas, just a one hour and a half drive from Makati thus, it has become a famous destination for roadtrips. It is also a popular venue for spiritual retreats, as the place is fully equipped with facilities for such events and of course a favorite venue for weddings. Upon entering the facility, you can feel the calmness of the place, brought about by the lush greens surrounding the place and beautiful structures.

Notice that the staircase is shaped liked an ovary which is symbolic of the womb from which life springs forth. This can be found in the entrance of the main building.

Underneath the staircase is a koi pond.

When you exit the building on its right side you’ll be greeted by:

The statue of St. Dominic, since the place is founded by the Dominicans.

You’ll really feel closer to nature with all the lush greeneries that abound the place. You’ll feel peaceful and refreshed. Here are some of the pictures:

Now here’s the main attraction of the place, The Transfiguration Chapel.

The pathway leading to the chapel has its own story to tell that is, the easy against the hard way to reach Christ.

As mentioned, Caleruega is in Batulao which is a combination of two words, “bato” and “ilao”, so to translate, “Light hitting the rock” is perfectly depicted in this picture. Also, the place is built following the natural contour of the location. Thanks to the brilliant design by Architect and Environmental Planner Yolanda Reyes.

Inside the Chapel:

After praying, we proceeded to the Station of the Cross.

The stations were illustrated in wood carvings such as this. It will eventually lead you to the hanging bridge where your eyes will feast with the lush greeneries.

After crossing the hanging bridge, we decided to leave and proceed to our next destination, Chapel on the Hill which is along the way to Caleruega. Notice that we didn’t went to the Rosary Garden because we’re tired and so that we’ll have something new to see when we decide to come back. Yes, I think we’re coming back.

This chapel is also a popular place for weddings because of its location, it’s literally on the hill and it’s just in front of Evercrest hotel where reception can follow afterwards.

Inside the church is “The Labyrinth”, a journey to God. But when we came, there are chairs in the middle so we weren’t able to see the whole labyrinth.

These are the scenic views around the place:

It’s already lunch time so we head on to our next destination for a sit down eat-all-you-can lunch at the popular, Sonya’s Garden.

We enjoyed the meal, the fresh veggies and fruits, the pasta and even the dessert. We really ate a lot but we don’t feel any guilt at all since the food are really healthy.

Afterwards, we went around for a walk and took some more pictures.

The door above is their Spa but due to time and budget constraints we didn’t avail of their services.

They also sell some of the herbs they are using.

After a sumptous lunch we went to People’s Park in the Sky. Apart from the fresh air and the scenery, I can’t find anything else worth the trip. As most people know, the place was supposed to be a summer house for the Marcoses but obviously the construction remained on it’s unfinished state. If only the place will be cleaner and the unfinished construction will be put into a better use, the place will surely be a tourist magnet.

So to make a good use of our time, we just prayed in the shrine before proceeding to our next destination.

For our last stop, we went to Picnic Grove.

We rode the cable car ‘though we find it too pricey for P300 per person but for curiosity sake and for the lack of anything else to do we still gave in.

We also tried horse back riding for P200, it’s a bit pricey as well but considering the maintenance of the horses, it’s not that bad.

I wasn’t really expecting that much on the place but I still think that a lot of improvements can still be done in this area.

So after, a less than an hour of horseback riding we decided to get back to Manila.

Overall, I enjoyed the trip since I’m with my friends. It was an enjoyable experience, to be closer to nature and to break away from the usual sights of skyscrapers. The trip was a stress reliever 🙂