Brilliant Sunshine

It's just me, thinking out loud

I was just fine

on May 22, 2012

While most of my friends are getting more and more pressured, I was just fine. I was so calm about the fact that I am on my mid-20s and I am alone. I don’t have an issue on watching the movies alone even if it’s a romantic comedy, I am totally okay. I am not bitter seeing couples passed by as I dine al fresco with nothing but a cup of coffee and a slice of New York cheesecake to keep me company. I am not envious of girls who don’t need to rush to get their heavy luggage at the airport’s conveyor belt because they have their boyfriends to do the thing for them. I don’t give a damn on couples having dinner at the nearby table as they look so lovingly on each other’s eyes. But yes, I hate seeing roses on Valentine’s Day. Aside from this weird thing, I was just fine.

I have given up on love but then, I realized I should not, there is still hope. It will come at the right time, at the right place for now let me enjoy my free weekends, my LQ free nights and hassle free travels (no boyfriends to report to). I was just fine, alone but contented, calm and hopeful.

Then you came, stirring away all the calmness. You watched the movie that made me cry buckets of tears even if it means extra effort for you to understand. You made me realize that the cheesecake tastes extra delicious when shared. You carried that heavy bag with no complaints and without me having to ask. You made weekend afternoons something to look forward to. You made me realize that it feels good to know that someone cares if I am sick or tired or if I have eaten my meal. You made me feel safe. You assured me that I look good any time of the day. You made me feel normal as I discovered that we shared the same quirks. You made me feel that it feels good to be special. And yes, you gave me a rose that Valentine’s Day.

Because of you I welcomed the idea of togetherness, that while I was okay being alone being with someone is a lot better. You made me discover that I am not a selfish brat, without a conscious effort I know how to care for someone. I like the feeling. I never thought that I would care if someone has eaten his meal, or if he got home safely because he stayed out quite late just to ensure that I got home safe. I never thought that this is what it means to care.

I was happy before you came and you made me happier. You surprised me with the things I discover about you every time we are together. I used to easily get sad but your reassurance made me smile. I don’t know what happened, you came by unannounced and for some time I thought you are a pleasant surprise.

You came unannounced and left just the same. Now, I am back to being alone but the calmness has vanished. At times, it feels like I miss you so bad. The places brings back memories, familiar scenarios remind me of you. How I wish we didn’t had those conversations, that we won’t be having a dog ‘cause neither of us are animal lovers, we don’t like the idea of a puppy licking his master’s face and task of cleaning up the dog’s poop. I laughed at you about it, reminded you that you may have to do it later on; you smiled and said its ok, it’s ok if it’s your baby’s poop. You said that organizing the house is the girl’s job but you’ll help on initially organizing the things, maintaining things in order is hard for you but it’s ok to touch your things, you just have to be informed where your things are. These simple conversations made me dream a life that is so different from what I used to imagine. Sometimes it even feels like you’re just beside me, popping out of thin air and say something that can remove my worries, something that can take away all the sadness.

Now I’ve began to dream a life with someone. It makes me feel sad to watch a movie alone. I feel bitter towards couples walking as they hold each other’s hand. The luggage now feels extra heavy when I see a guy picking up his girlfriend’s suitcase. The meal becomes less tasty when there’s a couple beside me. Now, I hate Valentine’s Day even more.

I now pity myself whenever I’m away from home and sick. I sigh as I shut down my computer at 10pm. It feels so sad that no one cares about me except for my mom. My phone has become just a mere alarm clock and sometimes a game gadget. Everything has changed, the way I look at things changed.

I used to be alone but I was just fine until you came. You made me feel how it feels like to have someone beside me to hold my hand when I’m scared, when I’m nervous, when I’m sad or when I simply want to feel that someone is there for me. You introduced me to that idea which I welcomed with open arms. I like the feeling of having someone, I love the feeling; I enjoy it. So now, I am in panic, I need to find someone to be with, someone to share my life with. ‘Cause while there is nothing wrong with being alone, life is still better when shared with someone.

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