Brilliant Sunshine

It's just me, thinking out loud

Rants

on July 16, 2011

Went home late for three Friday nights in a row, always out with friends on weekends, things like these are the usual predecessors to my mom’s suspecting inquiries about me having a boyfriend and hiding it. But her accussations are not true, I am not with someone it’s actually the other way around, ’cause I am suffering from the pains of a broken heart or much even worse a broken faith. No, I didn’t broke up with someone, I never was with anyone for like a little less than a decade ago.

I just woke up one morning realizing that I’ve grown tired, I want to stop it. What have I grown tired of? or what do I want to stop? I don’t know, that’s the point, I don’t know what is this or what was this to begin with. I never told you about it ’cause it feels like I don’t have the right to ask, I don’t want to appear like I’m the one who’s in a hurry, like I’m the one who’s pushing you. I know you’re thinking that things are just fine, that status quo is just fine, believe me I also thought things were fine but no, I was wrong ’cause we both know that we’re not anymore “just friends”. I’ve been through this mess before and that makes this hurt even more, ’cause here I am travelling the same road again, seems like battling it for a little less than a decade before was not enough for me to learn. I’m not sure if you remember that story but here you are letting me experience that same bullshit.

You went to China, went to Bangkok, went home to Singapore for how many times already, you keep on saying that you want to go back in the Philippines, that you miss everything here, but don’t you know? There’s a big difference between “I want to  come back” than “I am coming back”. You’ve been to all of those places, made time for it despite your busy schedule but you can’t tell when you’re coming back or if you’re coming back. If you miss the Philippines, aren’t you going to do something about it? How stupid was I to believe and hope that you actually will? Are you waiting for me to tell you to come back? Like a dog waiting for its master all day? No, I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to wait.

I hate this, I hate that it hurts, ’cause it shouldn’t, right? ’cause feeling the pain is an obvious sign that I still have feelings for you, I hate it.

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