Brilliant Sunshine

It's just me, thinking out loud

Star light, star bright

on May 12, 2011

“Star light, star bright, make this heartache end tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, get over this guy and give up this fight.”

It’s not my heart that’s broken, it’s my faith that is. But it could also be I’m just denying, that I am in love and I have a broken heart.

I’ve always believed in the power of love but I never was lucky in love. I never was cynical about it, in fact I’m a self-confessed hopeless romantic, I’m in love with love but even if I am a believer of its power there came a point in my life when I’ve given up on it and realized that maybe I should begin accepting that it’s not for me. I was doing fine, contented on watching rom-coms and drama series telling different sorts of love stories, if I can’t have it for myself then I guess, it’s healthier to find it and feel it through fiction than sulk in one corner asking myself why it’s not for me. I was contented that way, sometimes I feel alone but I know that I am already on the process of acceptance. But change is the only constant thing in life as they say, one day I woke up in a place away from my family, it was then when I realized that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, that no matter how comfortable my living condition is, there is still a need to have someone to share things with.

Being the believer that I am, I prayed for it. Now, I’m not sure if what I had for the past few months was the answer to my prayers. I’ve written quite a number of entries about it. Obviously, I really was preoccupied by whatever that thing was. I never saw it coming, it never crossed my mind that he’ll be a part of my life this way. At first, I was just curious, its as if I was watching a movie, a drama series, became a fanatic and was so excited to find out what’s gonna happen next, I forgot that I’m the other half of the story, I ‘m the female lead, that half of what’s gonna happen next depends on me. Before I realized it, he has grown in me, I begin to care, I like the things he did, how he makes me feel special and I guess yes, I like him, I’m not sure if I am in love with him but yes, I like him and I care. It was hard to believe how things evolved, from my initial reaction on the first signs of it up to now that I am writing this article. I must admit that he made me believe that this could be it, that we have a chance, that he could be heaven’s answer to my prayer. But while some good things never last, some are not even meant to start. It was a very good story, almost movie like but even if the ending is not well-defined yet at this point, it never really started, there was never an “us”. I thought it was just the distance that we have to defy but little did I know that it was the least of the problems. I can’t demand anything from him, neither should I expect since we don’t have a commitment to each other, I guess the only thing that we made clear was were special for each other. But a thing like this needs to be sustained, needs reassurance, its not something that stays the same even if you do nothing especially when the foundations laid were not that firm yet. I tried holding on, I tried everything within my power for things to work out but now I’m tired, I want to give up, I want to tell him how unfair things are. I don’t want to put all the blame on him, I guess I also have faults but clearly it’s him who’s not ready for someone to be a part of his life, he’s not ready to make me a part of his life, that’s what I think and feel. I know it wasn’t his intention to break my heart or my faith but it just feels like all the efforts, the time, the emotions invested will all go to waste, guess that’s why giving up is hard to do. It’s unfair that he’s living his life normally while here I am feeling hurt because of him. It’s not everyday that you’re going to meet someone who sees the real you, who believes in you, who’ll always be so honest on his opinions but will make sure his words won’t hurt you, it’s not everyday that you come across someone who’ll connect with you, whom you can talk to about anything and everything under the sun, someone who has sense, someone who’ll make you believe again that someone for you does exist.

I still would want to believe that someone for me exist that he’ll come in the right time but I don’t think I still have the courage to give it a try again, I don’t wanna go through the same tiring process, not now. So for tonight up to God knows how long…

“Star light, star bright, make this heartache end tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, get over this guy and give up this fight.”

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