Brilliant Sunshine

It's just me, thinking out loud

8 Months of Darkness

on June 6, 2009

We are all wanderers searching for our own promise land. No one ever said that the road getting there is easy. We stumble, we fall, sometimes we get stranded, we get trapped, we face crossroads but still we don’t stop, we go on, after all that is what life is all about.

I finished my early years in school in flying colors, I entered one of the country’s most respected universities and enrolled on one of the most sought after programs in the university. I graduated on the upper bracket of my class, I took the country’s most difficult professional exam and successfully passed it in just one take. In as short as 4 hours after reading my name on the list I received a call from the country’s most respected professional service firm. I am an achiever in my own right, such a feat can’t be achieved by sheer luck but enough of the bragging.

As a kid I thought all I have to do is to get good grades, upon entering the university I focused myself on having those three letters affixed after my name but after achieving all these, I was awaken by the reality that there is more to life. Apart from achieving something in terms of grades the real battle begins outside the gates of the university. Now, I know what the so-called “real world” means. Gone are the days when entering a Sanrio store could have me jumping up and down, life is more complicated now. I used to think that I have the world on a string, I know what I want and how to get it so I work hard for it and eventually get it but now things aren’t that easy anymore.

If there is one thing I am sure of, that is I know I took the right course, I never doubted. But to find myself in the midst of the darkness is one thing I never imagined I’ll be into. At first, I thought that things are just fine, I’m just beginning to navigate this unknown forest and I was hoping that I’ll get used to it in time. But as the day passes by it feels like that my license is being insulted, fulfillment is something that is getting blurry as the days pass. I wasn’t born with such mental prowess to copy-paste. I’m one of those blessed with an intelligence quotient higher than the rest but all I am doing is stare at the monitor in front of me and allow my fingers do the clicking while my overflowing neurons is pleading me to use them. This is not what I dreamed of, I need a reason to be here, a reason not to care if it’s raining outside because I need some other reason other than “it’s paying my bills”. I tried checking on myself, maybe I’m the one who has a problem that I cannot grasp whatever it is that they are asking me to do but I always end up thinking that ‘no’, my IQ can’t be put into question, much more of my competence, it’s just that they are asking me to navigate a sea wherein I am not trained for. I never wanted to shift careers but it seems like they are asking me to do so, I didn’t finish just an ordinary any 4-year course, I’m not destined to do ‘just’ this. How can I do things for His glory when it feels like I’m insulting what He has given me everyday. I’d rather walk the complicated, long and tiring paths ’cause I know that it will lead me to a destination and I have everything on hand to begin with as I walk rather than wander in this dark forest with no paths laid down for me and I have nothing on hand.

I’ve been trusting God’s wisdom but I couldn’t help but ask why. Everday it seems harder to wake up and drag my feet. I don’t want to sit in front of the computer on a Monday morning. I know I’m here for bigger things, there no paths laid down for I must be the one build them but how can I when I know that I’m not in the right place to build paths for me to walk into and others to follow. I know I can do this but please let me do it.

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