Serendipity

Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. “Things were clearer for him,” Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call “fatum”, what we currently refer to as destiny.

A friend visited NYC and sent me a picture of the actual Serendipity Cafe, it reminded me of my all time favorite movie. It’s hard to believe that a story as good as the movie can happen in real life but it doesn’t mean that there is no such thing as “destiny”, we just have to keep on believing.

Biggest mistake

I can’t look at him, I know he’s just there. I’m not sure I can feel his eyes looking at me but I rather assume he’s not. He’s not really looking. This is most probably the most awkward moment of my life, sitting in this room forcing myself to smile.

How I wish, I never met him, never made friends with the boy who approached me one afternoon while I was sitting at the park bench. Had I not known him, my life would have been totally different.

Guess, I might have become the victim of the bullies in the park. Also, my high school life might not be the same. Like, I don’t have to feel guilty everytime I excel over the others, especially him, thinking that his mother will get mad at him again. I might have experienced a normal teenage love life, those guys following me might have courted me had they been not afraid of him, or had they didn’t think that we are secretly together. Not that I want to collect suitors like trophies, it just doesn’t feel normal that everybody else thinks that you belong to a certain someone especially, when you’re not. In fact, he never spoke a word to me after I won the Math quiz bee championship. But the guilt of overtaking him in class didn’t stop me, of course. It’s not my fault, I’m not without mercy but I’m not trying to sabotage him or what, so that guilt has no basis. But if there’s another school nearby that’s as good as where were at, I’m willing to transfer just to give way, so that we’ll still be friends. As for the guys, I don’t really like them, it’s only him that I want.

Two years before finishing high school, we became friends again. No choice, we were assigned to work on a certain project, so after one or two awkward conversations trying to be “civil”, we found ourselves laughing at the same jokes and other stuffs like we used to do underneath the trees when we were younger. Instantly, we’re friends again, as if nothing happened. He’s a great friend, he has a deeper view of life, much deeper than you can expect from a 15-year old teenage guy. I saw how he remained to be strong when his family’s finances are going through the tough times. I asked him if there’s anything I can do to help him and he simply told me to stay close and be his friend. So, that’s what I did but not until the day I found out that he already has an official girlfriend. We remained friends but not close, I drew a line. No, I’m not jealous or anything, I don’t know, it also surprised me, I thought I’ll be but why do I have this crazy thing going on in my mind that, he’s going to come back to me one day. One day, he’ll knock at my doorstep and tell me, “This is your one last shot at destiny, love me now or lose me forever”. That scene, was so like him, I can’t help but smile as I imagine. I missed him during those times but I also don’t want to be the reason of any of their quarrels, I can’t bear to see his heart broken especially when he is in the most trying times of his life. Yes, he managed to have a girlfriend while they were still at their trying times, weird timing.

A few days after graduation, our phone rang, it was him but I had to put him down because somebody else called split second ahead of him. I never put him down even if he wasn’t the first one to call but not that night, I guess he noticed the change and asked me why. I gave him the most logical answer, he called first. He asked me, who was it, but I didn’t answer. The guy on the other line is a suitor, and when I didn’t answer his question, he simply said, “I know, who am I to ask?”. I promised to call him back as soon as he can but he told me not to. I still called him right after but there already was something strange in our conversation. Months after that, I said yes to that suitor, I guess that phone call incident is a sign of moving on. College was approaching and it will mean new life, new people, new place for me, not that I don’t him anymore in my life, it just feels like I have a lot of moving on to do.

I broke up with my boyfriend after a few months and more sooner than expected I became friends with him again. We went to parties together, we talk, we text from time to time. We became really close again, he’s always invited whenever there are gatherings at our house most especially on my birthday celebrations. He texts me to ask how my day was, to take care, to always smile but he never sent a quote not until one warm April evening. I received that damn Peter Pan quote, asking me to grow old with him. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, I couldn’t explain what I felt those times, half of me was even expecting that he’ll knock on my doorstep that night, but of course I wasn’t really sure what it was, everything but the word. I replied in quotation form as well but I can’t anymore remember the words I wrote. All I can remember was, that was his last text message ’til a few weeks after when I texted him to confirm a news that shocked me, he just got himself a girlfriend. Pain, my heart was broken, I can’t find the words to describe how I felt.

He still texts me from time to time, I still reply but I’ve drawn bigger lines this time. I focused on my studies and it produced fruitful results. I am happy with how my life was going but not for him. He didn’t turn out the way people expected him to. He didn’t graduate on time, he lost his girlfriend, his life has no clear direction. I wanted to help him out, encourage him like how he did to me, a month before my dreaded board exams, “God won’t let you go that far if that isn’t for you, it is for you”. Those simple words brought me back the faith I am losing and I feel indebted ’cause I can’t do the same for him. But he’s trying to shut me out each time I try.

Despite of everything I have right now, my life isn’t complete. I’m living each day wondering what could have been, if he did love me even just once. Just tell me the word, give me a reason to fight for you, give me a reason to stand up for you in this judging society that’s telling us we don’t belong now, not anymore. Let this not be our live’s biggest mistake.

But I know you can’t give me that reason anymore and even if you tell me you loved me, it wouldn’t really change a thing. Because today, I’m sitting here fighting back my tears, I can’t even look at you, I’m asking myself what am I doing here? It’s too stupid for me to be here, it won’t do me any good but just as you said years ago, to remain as your friend will be the greatest help that I could give. So here I am, celebrating with you, a momentous occassion of your life, your wedding day, as your friend.

His Version: http://mybrilliantsunshine.wordpress.com/2010/03/23/my-best-kept-secret/

Heart in Trouble

Nobody died of a broken heart but how to survive it, no one knows exactly how. There are no steps to follow, no clear cut procedures on how and when to begin, and most especially there are no over-the-counter medicines available.

How do you heal a broken heart? How would you feel if the guy you like falls for your closest friend? It’s not easy to see them, especially him running after her. It’s also not easy to see how your friend guards her movements because she’s thinking of your feelings. It’s not easy to feel everybody’s eyes looking at you on how you would react with the situation, despite knowing that these same people are the ones who can understand and are more than willing to support and comfort you. It wasn’t your fault, neither your friend’s, nor the guy involved. As they say, the reason it’s called “falling in love” is because you didn’t really intend to feel it, you just fall, nobody wanted to fall intentionally, unless your committing suicide. You want your friend to be happy, happiness that both of you deserves. You don’t know if she also feels the same towards the guy and just preventing it to save your friendship, depriving herself of her own happiness in the process. It’s hard, you are her friend and you want to be there for her, you want to remain to be the closest to her side, to share the beautiful moments of being in love for the first time but how about your own feelings. You don’t want to be selfish but neither would you want to be a masochist. How would one do it? Is it possible? To be her friend while trying to heal your broken heart?

I don’t know how to answer these questions, I’m not the one who’s broken hearted today but I’ve been there, I think and here I am alive and well. So I guess, no matter how complicated things are, you just have to accept it, their feelings are beyond your control, as I said nobody died of a broken heart.

Whoever you are, I know you’ll survive and if you still need to do some crying, just let me know, my shoulders are available but please bring your own hanky

….One day you’ll look back and everything will be a blur and you’ll find yourself smiling at your old dumb self.

Gah-Sah-Hamnida

All the people around us exist for a reason, some are there to be strong for us when we’re weak, while others make us feel wanted, some exist to keep balance, while some shakes up things, others make us cry so we can stay human while others make us laugh all the time, others makes us go nuts and be crazy while others exist to bring wisdom, and in my life,that’s you.

Whether we like it or not, our lives are somehow connected, we can almost say that we practically grew up together. We’re friends, that’s for sure and you’re one of those people whom I can truly trust. I sincerely hope that you know and you can feel that I really do.

I don’t know what you think about me, I ‘ve done all sorts of crazy things and said a lot of stupid stuffs before. Most of the time, I want to faint when I remember those silly things while talking to you, most especially when we’re face to face. Many times I wished that your memory is so poor that you can’t remember any of the foolishness. ‘Though it’s pretty obvious that you still remember things but never mentioned it directly. You never assumed anything despite of the obvious, you caught me billions of times throwing sureptitious glances at you, which means you are looking at me too, oh here I go again, assuming.

We never talked about it and as I said you never assumed anything, ‘though we know that there is something that exists. We can talk over the phone and chat over YM freely but not the same as when we’re face to face, we both know that it’s not easy, people around us will surely notice the closeness, the way we look at each other and just like me they’ll assume things, things which are far greater than what I assume and sometimes rumors are created out of it.

I must admit that I like you or may be even loved you at a certain point. I even got mad at you for breaking my heart thrice but you never noticed that ’cause I didn’t allow you to. I heard all the rumors and saw the actual evidences, leading me to hold on to the belief that the feelings are mutual but you are just afraid, so I ended up broken hearted. It’s like we’re characters in the story Leaf, Tree and Wind, I am the leaf, you are the tree and ok fine, he’s the wind. What else can a girl do but wait, right?

We had our own love lives, we had lost contact with them but us? we still have our “friendship”. I’ve let you go, it wasn’t easy ’cause you’re presence is still felt every now and then. You might not know the actual day of my birthday, I can’t blame you for being confused and I know dates are your weakness but you still didn’t miss greeting me. Christmas and New Year are not complete without receiving even just a simple greeting from you.

Maybe, you’re one of the “over rated” things is my life but let it be. For I’ve got thousands of reasons to be thankful for having you. You are my strength and my weakness, at times. You’re wisdom gives me realization, you’re optimism makes me see how beautiful life is. When it comes to friendship, you have the perfect timing but other than that?…never mind.

You’re sudden active presence in my life surely will stir up things and I must admit that I don’t want a real life Gossip Girl thing to be in existence, it’ll only complicate things. I am thankful for you, that I would never deny but somehow I am afraid where this might lead again for the nth time for God knows how hard it is to battle my so-called 100 squares of letting go especially when I know I don’t have a reason to get mad at you apart from you doing things and saying things that leads me to stupid misinterpretations.

It’s hard to stop things from happening, especially when it involves things we can’t take control of. I don’t know if I should allow myself to be once again an all too willing victim or if I should use the better part of my brains that is telling me to stop.

So for now, let me just say thanks for having the gift of wisdom and sharing it with me, thanks for giving me a reason to smile no matter how life has treated me badly.

For now, all I can say is “Thank You”.

Will High School ever end?

I finished High School way back March 2002. After graduation day there were still calls, emails and text messages from friends every now and then but as time goes by, the frequency waned from everyday to once a week to once a month ’til no more. Thanks to friendster and facebook that enables each and everyone of us to somehow stay connected to people from our past more specifically our high school friends.

But last Friday, August 21 it felt like entering a time machine. My high school best friend visited me in our house and we chatted for like eight straight hours from career to investments and of course, love life. When she was about to go home, we saw another friend from high school whom we lost contact for some reasons. We said our hi’s and hello’s and chatted about everything. But those two encounters were not enough, ’cause even before that, a friend from high school was inviting me to join his church group. This friend is some sort of special way back high school and it’s such a surprise to hear from him again and got an invitation alongside. But all these weren’t still enough, someone texted me last monday telling me that my ex-boyfriend wants to make amends with me for old time sake, yes, my ex-boyfriend is another high school friend. Our story is sort of connected to the special guy. I don’t know the real intentions of my ex-boyfriend suddenly appearing to be so apologetic about the past but I do doubt if his intentions are pure. I really believe that there is something malicious behind it, I know him and I’ve had enough of him for me to feel this way. The thing is, he’s trying to reach me again through our common friend who used to be our “bridge”, so high school.

I’m glad to once again hear from those three friends I’ve mentioned but the “ex” thing is something I’d rather forget. Those three people still played their same roles, the special friend still makes a buzz the moment I mentioned him to them, the ex thing is still interfering with the sudden revival of my friendship with my “special” friend. Oh well, will high school ever end?