Rights and Feelings

There are times when we don’t really have the right to get hurt, but getting hurt and feeling the pain is not a matter of having the right to feel it, it isn’t about some sort of entitlement, ’cause you just feel it, you’re not in control. Given a choice, it would’ve been better to just feel things when you really have the right to feel it but it’s not like that, feelings just flow in your system whether you like it or not, it’s not a choice.

The problem with not having the right to feel something is that you can’t freely express it, you can’t just let it out, you can’t walk up to the person and slap their face ’cause as mentioned, you don’t have the right, you are not entitled. So I guess, that is one of the reasons for anonymous blogs, a venue to say things left unsaid, spill emotions which are suppressed regardless of who may read it, they don’t know you anyway.

Memories

It’s almost 6pm, there’s a beautiful sunset in the horizon, my heart melted.

I stepped out of the office, saw a guy wearing a light green colored polo, I sighed.

I passed by the giant Christmas tree, I can’t help it but smile.

I saw some pink roses, my face turned red.

I went inside the steak house, I can’t help but feel the longing.

I saw the pasta place by the window, I can’t help but be reminded.

I tried some sushi, the memories are still fresh.

The fake snow fell, my mind is now dizzy with flashbacks.

I looked up, the moon is beautiful tonight, my thoughts wandered.

I picked on the fruits at the top of the cheesecake, I can still feel the hole in my chest.

The plane took off just above me, my heart got broken for the nth time.

I know that the days to come will be the most difficult time for me.

Each and every thing around me reminds me of what has been.

But I need to stop recounting everything,

Stop the what ifs and the might have beens.

All I have to do is hope for the best on what will be.

Moments that make me think of resigning

I think of resigning when:

1. It’s 2AM, everybody is sleeping but I still can’t go home
2. After the above, my boss is still thinking that I haven’t done enough
3. The word “holiday” has left my dictionary
4. For the nth time, I can’t leave the office to go on a date even if it’s already 7:30 PM because there’s something urgent that needs to be done
5. When process improvement means additional 3 to 5 hours of work
6. Everytime they say “No Budget” for the necessaries
7. I can’t take advantage of airline seat sales because of my unpredictable schedule
8. I always miss dinner with friends ’cause I still have work to do
9. Everytime I hear that the same job earns thrice as much abroad
10. I have to ask permission from my boss if I can go on a date even if it’s a weekend
11. Everything has become boring ‘cause I’m not learning anymore
12. You realize that even if you eat fire to just get everything done, you are not getting a promotion ‘cause no one is retiring yet
13. My boss is a total bitch
14. I’ve become a stranger to my family, ’cause I’m always at the office
15. There’s a post in the bulletin board saying: “No Bonus this year!”

I (want to) resign!

Being Brave

That wasn’t me being stupid, that was me being brave at taking chances. It might be with the wrong one but at least I tried. Now that it’s over and the attempt was not successful, it’s time to regain faith and keep it no matter what.

Feelings We Need Words For (Repost)

To P. Luna of Thought Catalog, you’re amazing! Your post details exactly what I am feeling right now. When asked how I am? I’m fine, fine which translates to getting by which actually means your whole post unedited. I can’t believe how possible it is to feel something and not be able to find a word for that feeling. For the first time in my life, I ran out of words.

 

 Feelings We Need Words For

 Nov. 21, 2011

By P. Luna

P. Luna lives and works in Atlanta.

 

Read more »

 

English is so bad at describing what it means to grieve. We use words like bereft or bitter or sad, or we say we have a broken heart. But none of these really get at the nuances. The words don’t seem to capture each exquisitely painful feeling.

For example, there should be a word, maybe borrowed from German, a language so good at expressing complicated mental states in a single lengthy word with many chewy consonants, for when you miss someone so incredibly, achingly much, when that person pervades every thought, every interaction, every waking moment, but you also loathe them. Because they treated you badly, or because they were too weak to be honest with you. Because you were betrayed. And because you loathe them, you hate yourself for missing that person so intensely. For missing the laughter they inspired; for wishing for the easy intimacy that you built. You hate yourself for knowing that they aren’t worth so much sadness, that such an outlay of mental energy is entirely wasted and useless. But you feel it anyway, and you cry in the shower or into your pillow or anytime something reminds you of that person. Which is all the time. There should definitely be a word for that.

There should also be a word, maybe from the French, who do existentialism so well, for the feeling of disconnection you cultivate when you walk through the streets with your headphones on, sad songs blasting into your ears loudly enough that you can pretend you are alone. You pass by other people almost without seeing them, since you can’t hear them. You walk by shops and offices on the sidewalk, going somewhere or maybe not going anywhere in particular, feeling like the music in your ears is a soundtrack to your sadness. This song makes you think of that person; that song comes close to capturing how lonely you are without them. You isolate yourself physically because you feel so isolated inside; surrounded by people, you are still alone, because you have been abandoned by that one person who made you feel somehow less alone.

English is also missing a word for how it feels when you know that person has moved on so quickly. When you find out you weren’t as important as you thought you were. When you realize that they were acting selfishly instead of caring about you, or when you understand that you didn’t really come into it at all for them, they were just doing what they needed to do. Maybe it should come from Russian, because the Russians know despair. You thought you were finally getting over them.  You could almost go an hour, if you were busy with something really important, without thinking about them. Then you see a Facebook post or hear some gossip from mutual friends, and you realize you weren’t over it. Not even close. You realize you were still holding out hope that you would get back together, that there would be some way to repair the damage, to be happy again. When that hope is crushed, the fragile Jenga tower of your life tumbles down. There should be a word for that kind of defeat.

And there should also be a word for when you’re just so tired of being sad, for when you are tired of being lonely but somehow don’t know how to stop. When you’re tired of crying, tired of thinking about that person, tired of missing them. You can’t yet make yourself recognize all the bad things; remembering how you’ve been done wrong doesn’t help. But the hurt over the good things, the things you still miss so much, is a dull twist in your stomach now, instead of a gaping hole in your chest. You don’t know how to turn that off, don’t remember how to be happy. But you sort of remember happiness as it existed before that person, and you want that so desperately. You want to stop this misery that drags at your ankles and eyes and insides. You know it will take time, but sometimes just the fact of being tired of crying makes you cry. Maybe we could co-opt a word from Japanese for that, since melancholy is a specialty of theirs.

There should be an English word for all these feelings of grief. And I desperately wish they existed now, just so I could tell you, next time you ask, how I’m doing in only four words, instead of all these.

Unannounced

You came into my life unannounced, I welcomed you ‘though it wasn’t planned…

First Day High

“While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”.

It was the worst Saturday morning traffic jam I ever experienced, arrived 30 minutes late, introduced myself in front of 30 plus students while still gasping for breath. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, “Are these signs? Are they trying to tell me that I made the wrong choice? That I should’ve packed my bags instead and fly somewhere?” I know I had second thoughts on this but I already made up my mind or could it be I am really the queen of bad timings? I took the cab in the hopes of arriving early for class but clearly, I should’ve just taken the train instead.

So I sat down after introducing myself, I’m sure my classmates will really remember me. We were handed our diagnostic exam for algebra, I’m not surprised by this, I read it in the syllabus. Since kindergarten, I’ve always believed that I am good with numbers, I’ve won awards on various competitions whether inter or intraschool. In fact, my confidence with numbers enabled me to choose a course which I think fits me well. Now, I’m a Certified Public Accountant, clear proof that numbers are really my friend. But what happened? I hate that feeling when you know that you know the answers but can’t mange to squeeze them out of your brain cells. The exam was as easy as high school algebra, I can still answer them but I’ve forgotten the shortcuts. Hey x and y, aren’t we friends? Good thing, this is just a diagnostic exam.

But things took a turn when the second subject began, it feels like the learning is going to be fun in this class. The professor’s aura is inviting, it feels like she won’t just teach us the subject but more than that. My impression proved to be correct when she told us that, ”While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”. See? I was right about her. As to her knowledge on the subject matter, I don’t think that can be put into question because while the confident me who got  an Advanced General Professional Proficiency Level in TOEIC, believes that I am good in english, I learned on our first session that the writing style most people use in business communication is trite, an offense I am guilty of. There really is so much to learn, something which I am happy about.

I must admit that one of the reasons why I entered graduate school is to distract myself and save it from a potential heart break, a greater part  of the reason is that I want to achieve more for myself, I want to prove something. Specially, at this point wherein I’m feeling inadequate yet for a managerial post but overqualified to be a staff, I think this is a good venue for me to final took a step up. Despite my doubts and while the first few hours didn’t treat me well and even if I’m still exploring my other choice, I am no more in doubt on whether investing my hard earned cash for this is a good thing. It really is a good thing.

Happy Birthday to me

It was around 9:30 in the evening; I was walking my way home from the office with no company but myself and as if to make the setting perfect for an opening scene of a dramatic movie, the dark skies begin to drizzle.

It’s my birthday today and I chose to spend it in the office. I was done as early as 5:30, I could go wherever I want to but I chose to stay in front of my laptop rather than going home and listen to the deafening silence of my apartment. I know I can make some calls to meet up some friends but my biological condition is telling me not to do so. I can go home to my real home, I actually want to but it’s not practical.

It’s my first time to be alone on my birthday. My birthday is usually marked by the decorating our home for Christmas and dad’s bonus pay out, so we always have much on this day. It really is a “Happy Birthday”, spending time with family. But since I am away from home, I can’t join them. Instead, I chose to get stuck in my office desk and eat Jolly Spaghetti for dinner, hoping that it will make me feel jolly and to comply with the superstition that the long strands of pasta means long life. It’s my comfort food, but the birthday blues I’m currently feeling is too bad that my humble Jolly Spaghetti is not enough.

A lot of people wished me a happy birthday, friends, family, colleagues and some acquaintances. Almost everyone is wishing for me to have a love life. Well, if I have a one then maybe, I wouldn’t be a such a loser sulking in my office chair, I might be in a romantic restaurant right now, greeted by the receptionist early in the morning with a bouquet of flowers from someone special. If I have  a love life, then maybe my first birthday greeting might have come from that special someone and not from my ex-boyfriend. Yes, I received my first official birthday greeting from my ex-boyfriend after not speaking to him for nine years. At least, he still remembers that’s not a surprise, I know he loved me but it just didn’t work out, our differences are irreconcilable.

I received a not-so surprise birthday cake from my friends/officemates, we do it for every celebrant, too bad I caught them carrying it on their way to the pantry, major spoiler. Because I am aware of this customary birthday surprise, I brought my camera with me, pathetic? I know, right? I brought a camera and made sure that I won’t miss out my personal birthday tradition of wearing a “birthday” dress. And of course, what’s a birthday cake without a birthday wish? As I blew the candle, I wasn’t able to make up my mind on what my birthday wish shall be. My birthday wish last year hasn’t come true yet, it’s the first time. I don’t want to be like the young Jade from My Binondo Girl who doesn’t anymore want a birthday cake because her birthday wish doesn’t come true, so what’s the point of having one? What’s the point of making a wish? But even if, my birthday wish last year didn’t come true and ‘though it hurts, I still want a birthday cake. After all, even if my wish last year didn’t come true, I still have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Simply being 26, is already a blessing. Having a great family, good friends, travels, job and a lot more, are things I should be thankful for. While my journey towards being 25 can be described as life changing, my journey to being 26 is mind boggling, quarter life crisis is not all in the mind, for some it really is true. My job lacks fulfillment as of now, but it pays the bills and provides me security. I’m losing touch with some of my friends but I’ve got new ones. I don’t have someone special but I have a story to tell. My life may not seem so eventful, it lacks milestones as of now but there’s a lot to look forward next year like graduate school and travel abroad. Guess, it’s enough to keep me busy, enough to focus my attention on some other things which are time worthy rather than deciphering gray areas which still remains gray after some time spent figuring things out.

Life at this point may not be so great unlike what most people perceive my life to be, I’m just getting by ordinary days. But it’s a matter of choice, I choose to be happy and will continue doing so, so despite the solitude and the drama, even if my vision is blurred right now because of the tears that are falling, “Happy Birthday” to me.

Changing the world of fashion one girl at a time

In celebration of the upcoming Philippine Fashion Week which is set to begin this October 23 ’til October 30, let me share with you my personal fashion rules. I’m not claiming to be a fashion expert here but I think I must say that I’m constantly labelled as the power dresser or  the office fashionista, in fact some friends told me that I’m changing the world of fashion one girl at a time because of how I inspire others to dress up. With these praises in mind, I think I could share something related to fashion in this blog.

• Confidence is the best accessory. It’s not how beautiful your things are but how you make them beautiful.

• Be appropriate. Nothing’s wrong with experimenting and going beyond conventional but keep in mind that for an outfit to better suit you it must be appropriate. While blouses with black laces may seem elegant I don’t think it will look good under the scorching heat of the sun by the sea shore.
• Don’t over accessorize. Big chunky pieces must be worn moderately unless your goal is to look like a walking Christmas tree.
• Don’t wear patterns from head to toe. Don’t scare people by making them think they’ve got cross vision.
• Don’t always follow trends. In fact I think it’s better if you’re the one to set them.
• Always consider the weather, not only for comforts sake, too much layers on a sunny day is an eye sore.
• Make sure that you can give justice to what you are wearing, if you decided to wear 5 inches stuck up pumps in the mall see to it that you can really last with it.
• Invest on classics, black trousers, jeans, white polo since these pieces doesn’t go out of fashion, it’s good to have quality pieces in your wardrobe.
• Be creative but not too much consider the other rules I mentioned.
• Choose prints carefully, make sure that it won’t make you look like a grandma or that it ot won’t make your outfit cheap, no one wants to look like a seat cover from the 70′s.
• Play with colors but don’t overdo it, don’t use more than three.
• Match the bag with the belt and of course, the shoes.
• Know what compliments you, we can always choose what to wear to hide or flaunt the things we can’t anymore change.
• Mix and Match, classics with a twist is always a sure winner.
• Decide on the look you want to achieve, a hip hop shirt is a big no-no with a bohemian belt.
•  Be Yourself

Being fashionable is not only for the sake of looking good but for me, it’s actually feeling good about yourself which gives you the strength and confidence to face the world.

Background Music

Whoever has said that the sad thing about life is that it has no background music is wrong…’cause while I was telling my story “Need You Now” played in the background.