The week that was…

Nervous Monday * Promising Tuesday * Cliffhanger Wednesday * Devastating Thursday * Awkward Friday

It’s crazy how so much can happen in just five days, from happy and hopeful to devastated, one minute you are appreciated then you are backstabbed the next, from being in the loop to feeling like being excommunicated. The sudden turn of events, the highs and lows of emotions, how people change their personas, it’s crazier and a lot more unpredictable than the effects global warming has on the weather. While sudden changes make life a lot more exciting, it doesn’t always make you feel game for the ride, especially when the breeze you are enjoying stinks all of a sudden.

It’s been a normal thing to deal with people across Asia for the past two years but to lead a region-wide teleconference involving 13 countries still sends some weird chills down my spine at least for the first minute. I’ve always find it a bit difficult to start a teleconference for fear of being too formal or not being considerate if everybody is ready but after the somewhat shaky start up, I am okay. But more than my telecon start up issues, I was actually nervous ’cause it was my project’s initial testing last Monday. As I’ve mentioned on my tweets, this project has caused me a lot of stress and sometimes even heart breaks but it does make me feel proud, it empowers me in a certain way. After all, who wouldn’t get nervous if it’s communicated to the higher ups in the Regional Office.

Then, there’s this promising opportunity that knocked on my doorstep. Despite some hesitations, I welcomed it, I was almost pushed by my boss to welcome it. Come Tuesday, I was interviewed for a bigger post in the company. Despite the absence of direct words by the interviewer, it was clearly insinuated that I’m on the brink of getting the position. With my hopes high and my faith strong, I composed myself to be ready for it.

It felt like being on the edge of the cliff when Wednesday came, I waited for the final stage. I’m kinda anxious but I reminded myself from time to time of all the assurances that I got from some people. My hopes are still high and my faith intact as I wait for the confirmation.

But my world crashed the next morning, it felt like I was robbed of everything, like I was belittled, betrayed, played on, it even felt like a hole is punched in my heart. My high hopes and strong faith crumbled, leaving me nothing but ruined trust on people, some of whom I used to look up to. It’s like the world has gone crazy all of a sudden. What happened to the strong recommendation? Where did it go? What was that? Did they just want me to take the poisoned apple? They should have just pushed me to the wall. They should have just slap my face. What’s with the sudden topsy turvy? What is it that I’ve done wrong. Yesterday, it was me, now it’s her? I know I should play a good sport but you can only find that on a fair playing field. You said there’s no politics in here? You said there’s no favoritism? But what is this? This feeling is much more worse than a broken a heart, the pain is unimaginable, you snatched something from me right under my nose even before I took hold of it.

With all the crazy turn of events, despite my broken faith, life has to go on no matter how ugly a day is. It was a day of awkward moments, some being distant because of the fear of being questioned, some can’t even look me in the eye because they know they did something wrong. My heart is still in pain but it doesn’t mean I can’t fight. This war has just begun and they are the ones who started it. I’ve got questions and I need clear answers even if I am sure that their answers will just lead to more questions, questions which they can never be honest enough to answer. Now that my faith is broken, it doesn’t seem right to still go on and put an important aspect of my life in their hands.

The work week ended badly but as I lay down and contemplate, I asked for it, without me knowing I asked for it. For a long time I’ve prayed for guidance, for countless times I said “Thy will be done”. Maybe, this is God’s way of giving me what I am asking for, it is His way of taking me to where I should be. The signs are obvious, each day gives a reason to leave and erasing a reason to stay. I am not sure where God wants to take me but my prayers remain the same “Thy will be done.”

Before I say goodbye to 2011

While I described my 2010 as life changing, my 2011 was mind boggling. There were a lot of confusions to resolve and quite big decisions to be made. Also, 2011 went by so fast that I hardly notice that it’s about to end. So here I am recounting the year that is now about to end in a few hours.

The main reason why 2010 was life changing for me is work, for 2011 most of the things that happened in my life still concerns work. The first few days of 2011 wasn’t so kind, I thought I was about to lose my job or that I have to leave and find another one, I even computed how much am I still indebted to my company, January 8 is truly unforgettable with all the “other” memoirs that comes with it. It was also on the first month of 2011 that I moved out of the house to avoid the daily hassle of commuting. Moving out is really a big deal for me, away from the comforts of home and all the conveniences of living with your family. It’s still a very good feeling to come home everyday to the people who truly love you but there are some situations where practicality must be considered, I guess that is where I am now.

Work presented more challenges, I experienced what it’s like to be the auditee and not the auditor, it was tough but we all survived.

The meaning of the word “holiday” was devoid for 2011 due to workload and the crazy timelines that come with it, not to mention the strictly followed company calendar, but travels still abound 2011. I was able to revisit Baguio (my annual visit began 2008 but I skipped 2010), still not sure if it will continue this coming 2012 but it always feels good to revisit this place, just a quick weekend escape away from work. Finally, despite the failed attempt last 2010; I finally crossed out Hong Kong and Macau on my list of places to visit. I truly enjoyed what it’s like to be a child again when you see the Disney Princesses coming into life and of course Mickey and Minnie Mouse. The fireworks were truly enchanting; it really felt like “A Whole New World”. I was almost literally jumping with joy taking pictures while reminiscing the scenes from Boys Over Flowers at The Venetian, too bad we missed the gondolas. I’ll just ride the real thing in Venice…someday. I really enjoyed the sights and memory that comes with each of the pictures, the trip was worth it, hoping to go back with my family. I was also able to go back to Cebu, been there for some work assignment in 2007. It’s just a domestic trip but it felt like being in a different time zone, we were like four hours behind. It truly was a relaxing trip and unforgettable mainly due to the Sky Walk, as I’ve said “It’s not how long you’ve been together; it’s the intensity of what you had to go through together.” That experience was truly intense. After being recharged in Cebu, it’s now time for the dreaded (?) Annual Business Planning, for this reason we were given the chance to visit Japan. It was a business trip but thank God that we were able to roam around Tokyo, enjoy the sights, shop some and take a lot of pictures, I really want to see more of Japan. Finally, the much awaited trip of the year, the Bellarocca invasion. I think I can call it as a fashion trip, spend 3 days and 2 nights but I lost count of the outfits, still got three left in my bag when I got home, reserved for the next fashion trip? Misibis, please be kind. To end the year, finally swam on the beaches of Laiya, been to a lot of beaches in the Philippines but it really was my first time in Batangas.

I also found a new hobby this year, photography. Just recently, some of the pictures I posted somewhere in cyberspace was liked and followed by a certain photography group. But I’m still hesitant on continuing this one ‘cause I like it more to be in the picture than be the one taking the picture. Obviously, 35 albums just for 2011 from my wavy to curly hair then back to straight hair, from the house to some parts of asia, everything was captured. Being the learner that I am, I’m enjoying discovering things on photography ‘though I’m having issues on my DSLR’s weight… haha…I’m also glad that despite being busy, I was still able to maintain my blog and still gaining lots of views, hoping to monetize it come 2012.

After all the hesitations, after having to choose between almost mutually exclusive options, I finally pushed through with my plans of entering graduate school, it’s not easy to juggle a busy work schedule with schoolwork on the side but I know it’s going to be worth it. But I’m still not closing doors for the other option.

For the most controversial part, read something over twitter saying that only one out of four people taking chances in love becomes successful. For 2011, happy for the one who obviously got successful to my two other friends, we had almost the same story, guess it just wasn’t the right time, place or person, some things are just not meant to be, let’s regroup come 2012 and be the one out of four…haha..

That’s how 2011 was, not that great but I made it through, thank God. I’m not making resolutions for 2012, I‘m setting goals and I don’t care what the Feng Shui says for 2012, I ‘m just keeping the good fight of faith, 2012 is going to be great!

 

*Written December 31, 2011

Moments that make me think of resigning

I think of resigning when:

1. It’s 2AM, everybody is sleeping but I still can’t go home
2. After the above, my boss is still thinking that I haven’t done enough
3. The word “holiday” has left my dictionary
4. For the nth time, I can’t leave the office to go on a date even if it’s already 7:30 PM because there’s something urgent that needs to be done
5. When process improvement means additional 3 to 5 hours of work
6. Everytime they say “No Budget” for the necessaries
7. I can’t take advantage of airline seat sales because of my unpredictable schedule
8. I always miss dinner with friends ’cause I still have work to do
9. Everytime I hear that the same job earns thrice as much abroad
10. I have to ask permission from my boss if I can go on a date even if it’s a weekend
11. Everything has become boring ‘cause I’m not learning anymore
12. You realize that even if you eat fire to just get everything done, you are not getting a promotion ‘cause no one is retiring yet
13. My boss is a total bitch
14. I’ve become a stranger to my family, ’cause I’m always at the office
15. There’s a post in the bulletin board saying: “No Bonus this year!”

I (want to) resign!

First Day High

“While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”.

It was the worst Saturday morning traffic jam I ever experienced, arrived 30 minutes late, introduced myself in front of 30 plus students while still gasping for breath. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, “Are these signs? Are they trying to tell me that I made the wrong choice? That I should’ve packed my bags instead and fly somewhere?” I know I had second thoughts on this but I already made up my mind or could it be I am really the queen of bad timings? I took the cab in the hopes of arriving early for class but clearly, I should’ve just taken the train instead.

So I sat down after introducing myself, I’m sure my classmates will really remember me. We were handed our diagnostic exam for algebra, I’m not surprised by this, I read it in the syllabus. Since kindergarten, I’ve always believed that I am good with numbers, I’ve won awards on various competitions whether inter or intraschool. In fact, my confidence with numbers enabled me to choose a course which I think fits me well. Now, I’m a Certified Public Accountant, clear proof that numbers are really my friend. But what happened? I hate that feeling when you know that you know the answers but can’t mange to squeeze them out of your brain cells. The exam was as easy as high school algebra, I can still answer them but I’ve forgotten the shortcuts. Hey x and y, aren’t we friends? Good thing, this is just a diagnostic exam.

But things took a turn when the second subject began, it feels like the learning is going to be fun in this class. The professor’s aura is inviting, it feels like she won’t just teach us the subject but more than that. My impression proved to be correct when she told us that, ”While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”. See? I was right about her. As to her knowledge on the subject matter, I don’t think that can be put into question because while the confident me who got  an Advanced General Professional Proficiency Level in TOEIC, believes that I am good in english, I learned on our first session that the writing style most people use in business communication is trite, an offense I am guilty of. There really is so much to learn, something which I am happy about.

I must admit that one of the reasons why I entered graduate school is to distract myself and save it from a potential heart break, a greater part  of the reason is that I want to achieve more for myself, I want to prove something. Specially, at this point wherein I’m feeling inadequate yet for a managerial post but overqualified to be a staff, I think this is a good venue for me to final took a step up. Despite my doubts and while the first few hours didn’t treat me well and even if I’m still exploring my other choice, I am no more in doubt on whether investing my hard earned cash for this is a good thing. It really is a good thing.

Success and Opportunity

Right after college, we are all full of ideals on how to make it big in our chosen career, how to become successful. We envision ourselves as the next big thing. ‘Til we take our first step into the real world, sometimes it slowly unfolds, at times it just strucks us, or ideals are now ruined by reality. The pangs  of reality that no one can escape but everyone has to deal with.

The opportunities that we thought abound are just a few and were given to only a few. It’s like a small piece of cake thrown at a bunch of starving street kids. Some are lucky enough, to catch it while others have to wait for the next piece.

We all have the capacity to excel and we are in control of the drive we can exert to succeed but we all need the right opportunity. This isn’t a perfect world, life is unfair as a cliche goes. Finding that right opportunity is the most difficult element of success, ’cause most of the time we are not in control of it. While it’s true that it’s how we see the world, how we look at things in a different perspective and make a turn around for it to become as an opportunity, it isn’t always the case in the work place.

Managers must give the right opportunities to the right people. A comedian asked to act out a drama is more likely to fail. But then, managers are only humans, only a few of them are experienced or trained well enough to see who the right people are for every opportunity. Sadly, part of human’s nature is favoritism, a subject of complaint in most offices. Just as we all have our favorite pair of shoes, we also have favorite personas in the workplace. But as rational human beings that we are, capable of thinking and reasoning, this favoritism must not cloud our judgments, it’s unfair that someone will be deprived of something even if he deserves it.

Every company needs the right people for the job and these right people needs the right opportunity as well. It  must always be a two-way traffic but if it feels like you’re trapped in the wrong way, there’s always a way out, this doesn’t mean escaping but finding the place that’s right for you.

Top — Reasons why I want to leave my present job

I know, I know, I know, I said I’m done with those dark and murky posts, ‘though the title suggests that this one’s going to be such, I am just trying to write down things about my present job so I can decide what to do next, so this isn’t actually a rant, just thinking outloud as the tagline of my blog goes. As you might have noticed, I didn’t write any number ’cause honestly, I don’t know how many reasons I could write at this point. So enough of the sidetracks and let me begin my list.

1. While most people in our team are complaining with the workload, my complaint is different. I want more work, not that I’m addicted to working, I am not and will never be a workaholic, it’s just that the learning has stopped for me. The first few months was stressful, lots of pressures and adjustments to make but after getting used to all those costings and month end closing processes, learning has stopped for me. It’s not because I already learned the whole business but rather it’s more of, my boss who’s supposed to be my mentor as well, is not teaching me. I see the way she is towards the fresh graduates, she treats them differently, you can see how eager she is in teaching them but towards me she’s really different. As much as I don’t want to believe that she’s playing favorites, I just can’t help it. I can’t raise this issue with the higher boss, I’m sure that she won’t believe it ’cause she sees the way my boss treats those youngsters. To add, those youngsters are not really under her responsibility, I am the only one that she’s supposed to handle. It could be that she believes in me too much, that since I’m more experienced, I can better have a grasp of how things are or it could also be that’s she’s afraid to share her learnings to someone who has bigger chances of outshining her in the future because as I said I’m more experienced. Honestly, between the two possibilities, I’m leaning towards believing with the former, I can see how she she’s trying to hide her shock when she found out that I know what happened with a certain issue, she was surprised that I know it without her telling me.

2. Lack of future developments, no definite future plans, no career path. Let’s just say that I’m contented with my present position but how about next year? It seems like I should pray that my immediate boss will resign shen she marries just for me to progress ’cause things are also the same for her, she also doesn’t have another ladder to climb.

3. Budget, will it motivate you if you keep on hearing, “there’s no budget”. I understand the times are tough but should we be blamed for the idle capacity of this over expensive building? Furthermore, offices from other countries has enough budget and since bonuses are centralized meaning it depends on worldwide peroformance, aren’t they following the same when it comes to budget? People from other offices can afford to hold meetings overseas for just a day, can’t they do it over telecon? Plus, they check in on 5-star hotels. I’m not demanding for luxuries like that, what I want is a fair increase in salary because I deserve it, we deserve it.

4. Unreasonable requirements. I came from the world of auditing, so I understand compliance requirements but the very reason why I’m on a love-hate relationship with audit is that there are times when it feels like it’s asking for something unreasonable. Here, it’s a lot more unreasonable, the basic concept of cost benefit analysis has been forgotten and no one on the top management wants to stand up and point it out for fear of??? being passed on a promotion? (not so sure with that one)

5. My boss is…. sorry I couldn’t think of a proper adjective or it could also be that there are a lot of adjectives in my mind right now. Competitive, she definitely is, and it’s really unhealthy, she keeps on comparing her work, pressuring others, sometimes even lying just to get ahead. She’s a total bitch sometimes, excluding people, digging out issues, etc. She doesn’t share her knowledge, at least with me.

6. I hate having to work on holidays, guess this is a part of working in an MNC as long as its a normal workday in the regional office you can’t go on a holiday during closing and some other critical business days like the first day of the year.

7. I hate the location.

8. The pay is not enough, I mean the bonus…

 So far, that’s all I could come up with, ‘though there are times when the list seems to be endless. I want to leave, I’m 50% sure of it but where do I go from here? I’m already working for a Fortune 500 company, it definitely means an additional badge to my resume opening doors to great opportunities, this is a join then jump oraganization after all but it also means that the bar has been raised, would you settle for anything less? I don’t think so.

Where do I go from here? mode all over again, Lord please guide me, show me the way.

Pilipinas, bakit ba gusto kitang iwan recently?

Pilipinas, bakit ba gusto kitang iwan recently?

Yes, recently I’m tempted to leave the Philippines and work abroad. My primary reason is to get a better paying job, the lure of dollars is getting into me. I’m earning enough here but….I want more, I have the same amount of work anyway so going for the one that pays more is not a bad idea.

Second, I want a more convenient life, almost no traffic jam, organized bus stops, trains on time and all the other conveniences.

Third, more money means more capacity to travel around the world. I love travelling so much.

Fourth, it’s easier to gain more money to be used as capital for my future business.

Fifth, just for experience sake, I can still get a job in the Philippines anyway.

But then, everything has a cost, it would mean starting from scratch leaving everything I have here including family and friends. It’s like starting a brand new life, make or break.

I’m not sure of I’m just bored with the monotony of my life, this could just be an impulse but whichever way I take, whatever it is that I may decide on please help me God.

Quarter Life Crisis

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and
may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in
a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

“I’m lost, I’m in panic mode. While it’s true that I am who I want to be ten years ago, it is also true that I am in serious panic mode right now because I don’t know how to make progress from where I am standing. Maybe because I’m not sure if this is the kind of life that I really want, for the first time I asked myself why I chose this.”

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe,
those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest
people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too
and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as
confused as you.

“I’m seriously beginning to doubt the goodness of other people, it feels like always fighting for survival regardless of who you step at. I am beginning to question the sincerity of those so-called friends, do they really want to be with me? or they are just being nosy? are they just using me? or they really enjoy my company? After meeting various types of people, after enocountering failed relationships, I guess at this age, one can’t help but question the sincerity of those surrounding us.”

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are
going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

“Yes, my present job is not exactly giving me self fulfillment, it feels like being underemployed sometimes, I can’t fullly grasped how the entire thing works ’cause my boss is not the teaching type when it comes to me. Yes, just me ’cause she’s very much helpful with the others, could it be that since I’m next to her, she doesn’t want to be outshone? not so sure with that one just making some logical guess.” 

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing
with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they
weren’t so great after all.

“I do miss the comforts of being in the university, all you have to worry is the next major exam, after that, that’s it. Way back then, I wanted to double time so I can graduate and experience the real world but now that I am living it, I want to go back to those days, when life was still simple.”

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and
do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing
and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize
that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of
what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh
and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and
confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with
dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away
and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

“Recently, I often find myself analyzing my own behaviors, my own way of thinking, how I have come to have a certain point of view. I can’t help but go back to the past, to what Ihad to go through that has led me to being who I am today. ‘Though it might have led me to understanding and knowing myself more, it has also given me some strange feelings towards the past that has been done.” 

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved
could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet
anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love
someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are
not a bad person.

“Why can’t I meet someone decent enough to get to know better? Hmmm…maybe I met someone decent enough recently but unfortunately, it just won’t work due to circumstances beyond our control or maybe within our control but we’re not strong enough to take on the challenge. But why? How many more what ifs? How many more could have beens? How many almost but not quite scenarios do I have to go through? I know I may not be the holy one but I’m also sure that I’m not as bad as a person, is this karma? Or it’s just that he hasn’t arrived yet?”

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and
getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through
the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about
the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

“Was never a fan of random hookups and one night stands but me and my friends do talk about a specific topic in every get together, that is, broken hearts, but ’til now no one has come up of the solution how it heals.”

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a
life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you’d just
like to be a contender!

“I’m living a comfortable life, I can go shopping, dine out on expensive resaurants once in a while, take trips abroad, but it still feels not enough. Don;t get me wrong, I’m thankful for what I have it’s just that I can’t help but be greedy and want more. I’m now thinking of investments, bothered by inflation rates, interested with potential businesses and the lure of earning dollars is becoming increasingly attractive each day, simpy put, I want more.”

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates
to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we
can to figure this whole thing out.

“Guess it’s official, I am experiencing Quarter Life Crisis.”

Making Progress

Progress, the idea of becoming increasingly better.

In life, we all strive for progress. At life’s early stages, how to make progress is already predetermined for most of us. From helpless babies to toddlers entering kindergarten, we then become learning kids in grade school. Before we know it, we have become curious adolescents in high school, slowly we mature as we enter the university and eventually become adults as we exit its gates and enter the so-called real world.

Progress is often defined in stages, the ending of one is the beginning of another. So what happens after college? We get a job, from then on it’s up to us to make progress. For some it may mean promotion, or it could be gaining independence by moving out of the house, for others it’s having their own family, it could also be pursuing higher education or working abroad for greener pastures.

Making progress is my dilemma right now. I don’t want to get stuck on where I am, I want to move forward. I’ve transferred jobs, moved out of the house, went around Asia, what else should I do? get married? nah, not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I still can’t see it happening in the near future.

Right now, I am trying to choose between pursuing higher studies or working abroad. I know that those two are not really mutually exclusive but studying while working abroad is like biting more than I can chew.

If I will choose pursuing higher studies first before going abroad then, that could mean staying at my present job which is not really giving me enough time for myself, it’s so stressful. Also, it would mean that I’ll be 30 by the time I go abroad, isn’t that quite old already? Also, there is no assurance that an MBA can get me the position that I want but of course, an MBA is really an added credential that will definitely give me some edge.

If I will leave my present job and go abroad, can I survive living really alone? Living away from my own family? Will I be satisfied with the job I’m going to have? Isn’t it too risky? Is it really what am I want? Or am I just bored?

I’m in a crossroads right now, I don’t know which road to take but all I am sure of is that I want to make progress, move forward from where I am.

“Lord, I do not know which road to take, grant me the discernment, guide me to the right path. Amen.”

Hindi mo rin nanaising maging ako

Ang nakikita nyo kasi maganda ang suot ko, nakangiti ako, maraming tatak ang passport ko at madalas may bagong picture sa Facebook. Most of the people I know are thinking na perfect ang buhay ko except sa palpak kong love life. Pero kung alam nyo lang paano mabuhay ang isang tulad ko, paano maging ako hindi nyo nanaising maging ako.

Oo, hindi nyo nanaising maging ako just the same as hindi ko rin naman nanaising maging kayo. Bakit ko nga ba sinusulat ‘to? Hindi naman talaga ko popular na tipong everybody knows me and wants to be me, I’m just a normal office girl pero sa pamilya at friends ko iba ang tingin nila sa akin. Feeling nila big time ako, maganda naman talaga ang trabaho ko kung yun lang, pero hindi naman limpak limpak ang pera ko tulad ng inaakala nila, puro kasi panlabas ang nakikita ng mga tao pero ung pinagdadaanan ng isang tulad ko hindi naman nila alam. Hindi nila alam na deep down inside despite of a career that looks successful and well paying on the outside, I still have this feeling na hindi enough ang na-achieve ko, na feeling ko I could do better, na parang under utilized pa rin ang competencies ko, I want more siguro dahil ambisyosa ko masyado. Hindi nyo rin alam na feeling ko minsan hindi pa rin enough ang kinikita ko lalo na kapag nakikita ko sa Facebook na dollars ang kinikita ng iba kong ka-batch. Friends? I have lots of friends but there are also times when I feel like I don’t belong at all yung tipong lagi kang sa gitna, yung kausap mo nga lahat pero kapag nagkapilian ng tig-iisang isasalba hindi ka sure kung may pipili sa’yo. Don’t get me wrong I have true friends, sure naman ako dyan pero kasi yung mga sure ako na true friends hindi ko na rin sila nakakasama everyday kaya minsan napi-feel kong I’m left out. Hindi na ako aangal sa out of town or out of the country trips pero ‘lam mo yung feeling na minsan gusto mo lang manood ng sine o mag-mall, mag-try ng bagong resto pero wala kang kasama unless na lang ilibre mo ang kapatid mo o ang nanay mo, hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako na nagpapalibre sila, wala lang parang ang loser lang, imagine I’ve watched movies alone. Ok lang rin naman manood ng mag-isa, mas naaappreciate ko nga ung movie eh pero iba pa rin ung paglabas ng movie house eh may kakwentuhan ka ’bout sa pinanood nyo o may katawanan ka kasi naiyak ka sa mga unexpected scenes. Ang dami kong angal di ba? Idagdag pa natin ang mapanghusgang mata ng mga tao, na dahil ganito ang pagkakakilala nila sa’yo laging may expectations lalo na sa ipapakilala mong boyfriend, oh well, hindi ko pa dapat problemahin yan dahil wala pa naman talaga akong ipapakilala sa ngayon. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people think as long as I’m not hurting anyone (intentionally) pero aminin man natin at hindi, it matters somehow, may reputation na gusto i-keep.

Madami akong reklamo pero hindi ko pa rin ipagpapalit ang buhay na meron ako, ’cause despite it’s imperfections I’m still very thankful for each day what I’m just trying to say is each one of us are going through something, no one leads a perfect life so ‘wag mong isiping masarap maging ibang tao, let’s just trust God’s wisdom.