The week that was…

Nervous Monday * Promising Tuesday * Cliffhanger Wednesday * Devastating Thursday * Awkward Friday

It’s crazy how so much can happen in just five days, from happy and hopeful to devastated, one minute you are appreciated then you are backstabbed the next, from being in the loop to feeling like being excommunicated. The sudden turn of events, the highs and lows of emotions, how people change their personas, it’s crazier and a lot more unpredictable than the effects global warming has on the weather. While sudden changes make life a lot more exciting, it doesn’t always make you feel game for the ride, especially when the breeze you are enjoying stinks all of a sudden.

It’s been a normal thing to deal with people across Asia for the past two years but to lead a region-wide teleconference involving 13 countries still sends some weird chills down my spine at least for the first minute. I’ve always find it a bit difficult to start a teleconference for fear of being too formal or not being considerate if everybody is ready but after the somewhat shaky start up, I am okay. But more than my telecon start up issues, I was actually nervous ’cause it was my project’s initial testing last Monday. As I’ve mentioned on my tweets, this project has caused me a lot of stress and sometimes even heart breaks but it does make me feel proud, it empowers me in a certain way. After all, who wouldn’t get nervous if it’s communicated to the higher ups in the Regional Office.

Then, there’s this promising opportunity that knocked on my doorstep. Despite some hesitations, I welcomed it, I was almost pushed by my boss to welcome it. Come Tuesday, I was interviewed for a bigger post in the company. Despite the absence of direct words by the interviewer, it was clearly insinuated that I’m on the brink of getting the position. With my hopes high and my faith strong, I composed myself to be ready for it.

It felt like being on the edge of the cliff when Wednesday came, I waited for the final stage. I’m kinda anxious but I reminded myself from time to time of all the assurances that I got from some people. My hopes are still high and my faith intact as I wait for the confirmation.

But my world crashed the next morning, it felt like I was robbed of everything, like I was belittled, betrayed, played on, it even felt like a hole is punched in my heart. My high hopes and strong faith crumbled, leaving me nothing but ruined trust on people, some of whom I used to look up to. It’s like the world has gone crazy all of a sudden. What happened to the strong recommendation? Where did it go? What was that? Did they just want me to take the poisoned apple? They should have just pushed me to the wall. They should have just slap my face. What’s with the sudden topsy turvy? What is it that I’ve done wrong. Yesterday, it was me, now it’s her? I know I should play a good sport but you can only find that on a fair playing field. You said there’s no politics in here? You said there’s no favoritism? But what is this? This feeling is much more worse than a broken a heart, the pain is unimaginable, you snatched something from me right under my nose even before I took hold of it.

With all the crazy turn of events, despite my broken faith, life has to go on no matter how ugly a day is. It was a day of awkward moments, some being distant because of the fear of being questioned, some can’t even look me in the eye because they know they did something wrong. My heart is still in pain but it doesn’t mean I can’t fight. This war has just begun and they are the ones who started it. I’ve got questions and I need clear answers even if I am sure that their answers will just lead to more questions, questions which they can never be honest enough to answer. Now that my faith is broken, it doesn’t seem right to still go on and put an important aspect of my life in their hands.

The work week ended badly but as I lay down and contemplate, I asked for it, without me knowing I asked for it. For a long time I’ve prayed for guidance, for countless times I said “Thy will be done”. Maybe, this is God’s way of giving me what I am asking for, it is His way of taking me to where I should be. The signs are obvious, each day gives a reason to leave and erasing a reason to stay. I am not sure where God wants to take me but my prayers remain the same “Thy will be done.”

Before I say goodbye to 2011

While I described my 2010 as life changing, my 2011 was mind boggling. There were a lot of confusions to resolve and quite big decisions to be made. Also, 2011 went by so fast that I hardly notice that it’s about to end. So here I am recounting the year that is now about to end in a few hours.

The main reason why 2010 was life changing for me is work, for 2011 most of the things that happened in my life still concerns work. The first few days of 2011 wasn’t so kind, I thought I was about to lose my job or that I have to leave and find another one, I even computed how much am I still indebted to my company, January 8 is truly unforgettable with all the “other” memoirs that comes with it. It was also on the first month of 2011 that I moved out of the house to avoid the daily hassle of commuting. Moving out is really a big deal for me, away from the comforts of home and all the conveniences of living with your family. It’s still a very good feeling to come home everyday to the people who truly love you but there are some situations where practicality must be considered, I guess that is where I am now.

Work presented more challenges, I experienced what it’s like to be the auditee and not the auditor, it was tough but we all survived.

The meaning of the word “holiday” was devoid for 2011 due to workload and the crazy timelines that come with it, not to mention the strictly followed company calendar, but travels still abound 2011. I was able to revisit Baguio (my annual visit began 2008 but I skipped 2010), still not sure if it will continue this coming 2012 but it always feels good to revisit this place, just a quick weekend escape away from work. Finally, despite the failed attempt last 2010; I finally crossed out Hong Kong and Macau on my list of places to visit. I truly enjoyed what it’s like to be a child again when you see the Disney Princesses coming into life and of course Mickey and Minnie Mouse. The fireworks were truly enchanting; it really felt like “A Whole New World”. I was almost literally jumping with joy taking pictures while reminiscing the scenes from Boys Over Flowers at The Venetian, too bad we missed the gondolas. I’ll just ride the real thing in Venice…someday. I really enjoyed the sights and memory that comes with each of the pictures, the trip was worth it, hoping to go back with my family. I was also able to go back to Cebu, been there for some work assignment in 2007. It’s just a domestic trip but it felt like being in a different time zone, we were like four hours behind. It truly was a relaxing trip and unforgettable mainly due to the Sky Walk, as I’ve said “It’s not how long you’ve been together; it’s the intensity of what you had to go through together.” That experience was truly intense. After being recharged in Cebu, it’s now time for the dreaded (?) Annual Business Planning, for this reason we were given the chance to visit Japan. It was a business trip but thank God that we were able to roam around Tokyo, enjoy the sights, shop some and take a lot of pictures, I really want to see more of Japan. Finally, the much awaited trip of the year, the Bellarocca invasion. I think I can call it as a fashion trip, spend 3 days and 2 nights but I lost count of the outfits, still got three left in my bag when I got home, reserved for the next fashion trip? Misibis, please be kind. To end the year, finally swam on the beaches of Laiya, been to a lot of beaches in the Philippines but it really was my first time in Batangas.

I also found a new hobby this year, photography. Just recently, some of the pictures I posted somewhere in cyberspace was liked and followed by a certain photography group. But I’m still hesitant on continuing this one ‘cause I like it more to be in the picture than be the one taking the picture. Obviously, 35 albums just for 2011 from my wavy to curly hair then back to straight hair, from the house to some parts of asia, everything was captured. Being the learner that I am, I’m enjoying discovering things on photography ‘though I’m having issues on my DSLR’s weight… haha…I’m also glad that despite being busy, I was still able to maintain my blog and still gaining lots of views, hoping to monetize it come 2012.

After all the hesitations, after having to choose between almost mutually exclusive options, I finally pushed through with my plans of entering graduate school, it’s not easy to juggle a busy work schedule with schoolwork on the side but I know it’s going to be worth it. But I’m still not closing doors for the other option.

For the most controversial part, read something over twitter saying that only one out of four people taking chances in love becomes successful. For 2011, happy for the one who obviously got successful to my two other friends, we had almost the same story, guess it just wasn’t the right time, place or person, some things are just not meant to be, let’s regroup come 2012 and be the one out of four…haha..

That’s how 2011 was, not that great but I made it through, thank God. I’m not making resolutions for 2012, I‘m setting goals and I don’t care what the Feng Shui says for 2012, I ‘m just keeping the good fight of faith, 2012 is going to be great!

 

*Written December 31, 2011

It’s Christmas

It’s almost everybody’s favorite time of the year. The season for families and friends to gather together, share blessings, enjoy life and be thankful to our Savior, Jesus Christ.

To my regular readers, followers and even to those who just happen to come across my blog:

May you feel and share the warmth and joy of love this Christmas.

Thank you!

 

Rights and Feelings

There are times when we don’t really have the right to get hurt, but getting hurt and feeling the pain is not a matter of having the right to feel it, it isn’t about some sort of entitlement, ’cause you just feel it, you’re not in control. Given a choice, it would’ve been better to just feel things when you really have the right to feel it but it’s not like that, feelings just flow in your system whether you like it or not, it’s not a choice.

The problem with not having the right to feel something is that you can’t freely express it, you can’t just let it out, you can’t walk up to the person and slap their face ’cause as mentioned, you don’t have the right, you are not entitled. So I guess, that is one of the reasons for anonymous blogs, a venue to say things left unsaid, spill emotions which are suppressed regardless of who may read it, they don’t know you anyway.

Moments that make me think of resigning

I think of resigning when:

1. It’s 2AM, everybody is sleeping but I still can’t go home
2. After the above, my boss is still thinking that I haven’t done enough
3. The word “holiday” has left my dictionary
4. For the nth time, I can’t leave the office to go on a date even if it’s already 7:30 PM because there’s something urgent that needs to be done
5. When process improvement means additional 3 to 5 hours of work
6. Everytime they say “No Budget” for the necessaries
7. I can’t take advantage of airline seat sales because of my unpredictable schedule
8. I always miss dinner with friends ’cause I still have work to do
9. Everytime I hear that the same job earns thrice as much abroad
10. I have to ask permission from my boss if I can go on a date even if it’s a weekend
11. Everything has become boring ‘cause I’m not learning anymore
12. You realize that even if you eat fire to just get everything done, you are not getting a promotion ‘cause no one is retiring yet
13. My boss is a total bitch
14. I’ve become a stranger to my family, ’cause I’m always at the office
15. There’s a post in the bulletin board saying: “No Bonus this year!”

I (want to) resign!

First Day High

“While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”.

It was the worst Saturday morning traffic jam I ever experienced, arrived 30 minutes late, introduced myself in front of 30 plus students while still gasping for breath. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, “Are these signs? Are they trying to tell me that I made the wrong choice? That I should’ve packed my bags instead and fly somewhere?” I know I had second thoughts on this but I already made up my mind or could it be I am really the queen of bad timings? I took the cab in the hopes of arriving early for class but clearly, I should’ve just taken the train instead.

So I sat down after introducing myself, I’m sure my classmates will really remember me. We were handed our diagnostic exam for algebra, I’m not surprised by this, I read it in the syllabus. Since kindergarten, I’ve always believed that I am good with numbers, I’ve won awards on various competitions whether inter or intraschool. In fact, my confidence with numbers enabled me to choose a course which I think fits me well. Now, I’m a Certified Public Accountant, clear proof that numbers are really my friend. But what happened? I hate that feeling when you know that you know the answers but can’t mange to squeeze them out of your brain cells. The exam was as easy as high school algebra, I can still answer them but I’ve forgotten the shortcuts. Hey x and y, aren’t we friends? Good thing, this is just a diagnostic exam.

But things took a turn when the second subject began, it feels like the learning is going to be fun in this class. The professor’s aura is inviting, it feels like she won’t just teach us the subject but more than that. My impression proved to be correct when she told us that, ”While my class is usually where you meet your friends for life and for some even their lifetime partner, you don’t enter graduate school because you’re broken hearted or because you want to find a partner in life, only those with the innate desire to learn were able to survive”. See? I was right about her. As to her knowledge on the subject matter, I don’t think that can be put into question because while the confident me who got  an Advanced General Professional Proficiency Level in TOEIC, believes that I am good in english, I learned on our first session that the writing style most people use in business communication is trite, an offense I am guilty of. There really is so much to learn, something which I am happy about.

I must admit that one of the reasons why I entered graduate school is to distract myself and save it from a potential heart break, a greater part  of the reason is that I want to achieve more for myself, I want to prove something. Specially, at this point wherein I’m feeling inadequate yet for a managerial post but overqualified to be a staff, I think this is a good venue for me to final took a step up. Despite my doubts and while the first few hours didn’t treat me well and even if I’m still exploring my other choice, I am no more in doubt on whether investing my hard earned cash for this is a good thing. It really is a good thing.

Happy Birthday to me

It was around 9:30 in the evening; I was walking my way home from the office with no company but myself and as if to make the setting perfect for an opening scene of a dramatic movie, the dark skies begin to drizzle.

It’s my birthday today and I chose to spend it in the office. I was done as early as 5:30, I could go wherever I want to but I chose to stay in front of my laptop rather than going home and listen to the deafening silence of my apartment. I know I can make some calls to meet up some friends but my biological condition is telling me not to do so. I can go home to my real home, I actually want to but it’s not practical.

It’s my first time to be alone on my birthday. My birthday is usually marked by the decorating our home for Christmas and dad’s bonus pay out, so we always have much on this day. It really is a “Happy Birthday”, spending time with family. But since I am away from home, I can’t join them. Instead, I chose to get stuck in my office desk and eat Jolly Spaghetti for dinner, hoping that it will make me feel jolly and to comply with the superstition that the long strands of pasta means long life. It’s my comfort food, but the birthday blues I’m currently feeling is too bad that my humble Jolly Spaghetti is not enough.

A lot of people wished me a happy birthday, friends, family, colleagues and some acquaintances. Almost everyone is wishing for me to have a love life. Well, if I have a one then maybe, I wouldn’t be a such a loser sulking in my office chair, I might be in a romantic restaurant right now, greeted by the receptionist early in the morning with a bouquet of flowers from someone special. If I have  a love life, then maybe my first birthday greeting might have come from that special someone and not from my ex-boyfriend. Yes, I received my first official birthday greeting from my ex-boyfriend after not speaking to him for nine years. At least, he still remembers that’s not a surprise, I know he loved me but it just didn’t work out, our differences are irreconcilable.

I received a not-so surprise birthday cake from my friends/officemates, we do it for every celebrant, too bad I caught them carrying it on their way to the pantry, major spoiler. Because I am aware of this customary birthday surprise, I brought my camera with me, pathetic? I know, right? I brought a camera and made sure that I won’t miss out my personal birthday tradition of wearing a “birthday” dress. And of course, what’s a birthday cake without a birthday wish? As I blew the candle, I wasn’t able to make up my mind on what my birthday wish shall be. My birthday wish last year hasn’t come true yet, it’s the first time. I don’t want to be like the young Jade from My Binondo Girl who doesn’t anymore want a birthday cake because her birthday wish doesn’t come true, so what’s the point of having one? What’s the point of making a wish? But even if, my birthday wish last year didn’t come true and ‘though it hurts, I still want a birthday cake. After all, even if my wish last year didn’t come true, I still have a lot of things to be thankful for.

Simply being 26, is already a blessing. Having a great family, good friends, travels, job and a lot more, are things I should be thankful for. While my journey towards being 25 can be described as life changing, my journey to being 26 is mind boggling, quarter life crisis is not all in the mind, for some it really is true. My job lacks fulfillment as of now, but it pays the bills and provides me security. I’m losing touch with some of my friends but I’ve got new ones. I don’t have someone special but I have a story to tell. My life may not seem so eventful, it lacks milestones as of now but there’s a lot to look forward next year like graduate school and travel abroad. Guess, it’s enough to keep me busy, enough to focus my attention on some other things which are time worthy rather than deciphering gray areas which still remains gray after some time spent figuring things out.

Life at this point may not be so great unlike what most people perceive my life to be, I’m just getting by ordinary days. But it’s a matter of choice, I choose to be happy and will continue doing so, so despite the solitude and the drama, even if my vision is blurred right now because of the tears that are falling, “Happy Birthday” to me.

Background Music

Whoever has said that the sad thing about life is that it has no background music is wrong…’cause while I was telling my story “Need You Now” played in the background.

Success and Opportunity

Right after college, we are all full of ideals on how to make it big in our chosen career, how to become successful. We envision ourselves as the next big thing. ‘Til we take our first step into the real world, sometimes it slowly unfolds, at times it just strucks us, or ideals are now ruined by reality. The pangs  of reality that no one can escape but everyone has to deal with.

The opportunities that we thought abound are just a few and were given to only a few. It’s like a small piece of cake thrown at a bunch of starving street kids. Some are lucky enough, to catch it while others have to wait for the next piece.

We all have the capacity to excel and we are in control of the drive we can exert to succeed but we all need the right opportunity. This isn’t a perfect world, life is unfair as a cliche goes. Finding that right opportunity is the most difficult element of success, ’cause most of the time we are not in control of it. While it’s true that it’s how we see the world, how we look at things in a different perspective and make a turn around for it to become as an opportunity, it isn’t always the case in the work place.

Managers must give the right opportunities to the right people. A comedian asked to act out a drama is more likely to fail. But then, managers are only humans, only a few of them are experienced or trained well enough to see who the right people are for every opportunity. Sadly, part of human’s nature is favoritism, a subject of complaint in most offices. Just as we all have our favorite pair of shoes, we also have favorite personas in the workplace. But as rational human beings that we are, capable of thinking and reasoning, this favoritism must not cloud our judgments, it’s unfair that someone will be deprived of something even if he deserves it.

Every company needs the right people for the job and these right people needs the right opportunity as well. It  must always be a two-way traffic but if it feels like you’re trapped in the wrong way, there’s always a way out, this doesn’t mean escaping but finding the place that’s right for you.

An almost goodbye birthday message

Sent you this birthday message:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

It’s definitely not an original, you can even google it, a friend sent it to me some months ago and thought about sending you the message this morning. I edited one line ‘though, instead of “I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye” as the last line, I chose to end it with, “I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting”.  It’s your birthday and we normally wish for happiness on this special day, so I guess it’s more fitting and of course, I really want you to be happy. I’m afraid of the goodbye line, I am not really sending a final goodbye here, ’cause all I wanted to do is to move away.

I’ve been planning on doing it for quite a long time already, when I finally decided to really do it, you had an accident. I want to move away ’cause I’m tired, tired of our story, ’cause it feels like it has ended already and I can’t accept it (not sure with you) but wanting to move away doesn’t mean I don’t care, I still care if you’re fine, if you’re doing good, I just want to stop showing it. So being the queen of bad timings, I revoked my decision and still continued to show how much I care until without me knowing before you totally recovered, it’s almost your birthday. So, I decided to still continue until today, your actual birthday. Now, if one of us will look back, we have I guess a full 12 months. I don’t want to begin reminscing how each and every occassion was, that’s it, we’ve got full twelve months and it will end today that you’re turning 27.

I hate it that I can’t compose an original message for you, I ran out of the right words, to be honest maybe the most fitting that I could ever think of is this, something I found over twitter.

You’ll always be remembered. We might lose everything we once had, but I will never regret knowing you.

 

Maybe our story wasn’t bound to even begin, I know none of us planned it to be this way, we just talked and became friends who ended up liking each other but no one dared to go beyond the line, what we did was just blur the line, that got me so confused. I don’t want to think that I was just lonely and that you’re the first one who didn’t made me feel alone that’s why I ended up easily liking you, I don’t want to think that it was just that, I liked you because I like you, that’s it.

This story is bittersweet, if there really is a story of us to begin with. How could there be when we are miles apart? This story really got me thinking and I felt quite a lot of emotions. I was happy, confused 90% of the time, sad for the most part, even cried a bit, there was pain but again, I was happy. But I have to end this more than friends less than lovers thing, I am not a gray area girl, don’t want to be one so let’s end it here. Tomorrow, as the day begins I won’t forget about you, I won’t do that, I can’t do that so instead, I will choose to go back to who I was to you before, a friend, a friend from overseas. I may choose not to keep in touch for quite a long time, ’cause with all honesty, it’s kinda hard so please don’t make it any harder, for now, don’t go back and shake things up again, that’s the least you can do. Just stay where you are, oceans away.

Again, despite of everything, I will not regret knowing you.

I know that the chances of you stumbling upon this message is remote but just in case you happen to read it, that’s it my friend.