Hindi mo rin nanaising maging ako

Ang nakikita nyo kasi maganda ang suot ko, nakangiti ako, maraming tatak ang passport ko at madalas may bagong picture sa Facebook. Most of the people I know are thinking na perfect ang buhay ko except sa palpak kong love life. Pero kung alam nyo lang paano mabuhay ang isang tulad ko, paano maging ako hindi nyo nanaising maging ako.

Oo, hindi nyo nanaising maging ako just the same as hindi ko rin naman nanaising maging kayo. Bakit ko nga ba sinusulat ‘to? Hindi naman talaga ko popular na tipong everybody knows me and wants to be me, I’m just a normal office girl pero sa pamilya at friends ko iba ang tingin nila sa akin. Feeling nila big time ako, maganda naman talaga ang trabaho ko kung yun lang, pero hindi naman limpak limpak ang pera ko tulad ng inaakala nila, puro kasi panlabas ang nakikita ng mga tao pero ung pinagdadaanan ng isang tulad ko hindi naman nila alam. Hindi nila alam na deep down inside despite of a career that looks successful and well paying on the outside, I still have this feeling na hindi enough ang na-achieve ko, na feeling ko I could do better, na parang under utilized pa rin ang competencies ko, I want more siguro dahil ambisyosa ko masyado. Hindi nyo rin alam na feeling ko minsan hindi pa rin enough ang kinikita ko lalo na kapag nakikita ko sa Facebook na dollars ang kinikita ng iba kong ka-batch. Friends? I have lots of friends but there are also times when I feel like I don’t belong at all yung tipong lagi kang sa gitna, yung kausap mo nga lahat pero kapag nagkapilian ng tig-iisang isasalba hindi ka sure kung may pipili sa’yo. Don’t get me wrong I have true friends, sure naman ako dyan pero kasi yung mga sure ako na true friends hindi ko na rin sila nakakasama everyday kaya minsan napi-feel kong I’m left out. Hindi na ako aangal sa out of town or out of the country trips pero ‘lam mo yung feeling na minsan gusto mo lang manood ng sine o mag-mall, mag-try ng bagong resto pero wala kang kasama unless na lang ilibre mo ang kapatid mo o ang nanay mo, hindi naman sa nagrereklamo ako na nagpapalibre sila, wala lang parang ang loser lang, imagine I’ve watched movies alone. Ok lang rin naman manood ng mag-isa, mas naaappreciate ko nga ung movie eh pero iba pa rin ung paglabas ng movie house eh may kakwentuhan ka ’bout sa pinanood nyo o may katawanan ka kasi naiyak ka sa mga unexpected scenes. Ang dami kong angal di ba? Idagdag pa natin ang mapanghusgang mata ng mga tao, na dahil ganito ang pagkakakilala nila sa’yo laging may expectations lalo na sa ipapakilala mong boyfriend, oh well, hindi ko pa dapat problemahin yan dahil wala pa naman talaga akong ipapakilala sa ngayon. I know I shouldn’t mind what other people think as long as I’m not hurting anyone (intentionally) pero aminin man natin at hindi, it matters somehow, may reputation na gusto i-keep.

Madami akong reklamo pero hindi ko pa rin ipagpapalit ang buhay na meron ako, ’cause despite it’s imperfections I’m still very thankful for each day what I’m just trying to say is each one of us are going through something, no one leads a perfect life so ‘wag mong isiping masarap maging ibang tao, let’s just trust God’s wisdom.

Just the simple things

Most of the time, guys think that girls are demanding, for some it could be true but actually a girl just want the simple things…

Just an assurance that you want her in your life, that no matter how busy you are you can find time to make her a part of your everyday life. It doesn’t mean a lengthy phone call or whatever, just make her feel that she’s a part of it in whatever way you can.

Make her feel special, she doesn’t really need candle lit dinners with big bouquet of flowers just make her feel that you’re exerting effort, that there are things you don’t usually do but for her you’re willing to go the extra mile.

Just some consistency, make her feel that you really want her, no one needs a part time boyfriend.

Make her feel that you’re afraid to lose her not because you’re a coward but because even if your life can go without her, you still want her to be in it.

Assure her that no matter how uncertain the future is, you want her to be a part of it.

A girl’s eyes may sparkle when you give her diamonds, her heart may melt when she recives flowers but nothing could beat any gesture, any effort that is made with sincerity that you really love her and do whatever it takes to prove it to her.

New

Changed my hair,

Hoping not to be recognized as the girl you used to go out with

New workplace,

Hoping not to find any traces of you

New schedule on weekdays,

Hoping to avoid remembering you

New place,

Hoping to forget you

But no matter how may new things there are

I’m not getting any better in forgetting you.

The moon is beautiful tonight (Part 2)

The moon is beautiful tonight,

But it’s light is still not enoughly bright.

It’s not enough to make me see,

Where we are and where we’re going.

The moon is beautiful tonight,

But you are not in sight.

I look around ‘though I know you’re not here

I still tried and wished you’d appear.

The moon is beautiful tonight,

Please give me some light.

Just some to make me see…

What is black and what is white.

The moon is beautiful tonight,

But it’s light might never be enough.

Not enough to give us clarity

We are we heading…

Or are we even in a journey.

The moon is beautiful tonight,

But the light is not enough to give me hope.

I look above and whisper my questions,

Maybe the moon can whisper them to you

I know we just have the same moon

But I’m not sure if you’re looking at it tonight.

After 365 Days

Last April 12, I celebrated my first year anniversary with my present company. I can’t believe that it’s been 365 days since I was introduced to this branch of my profession. I was so clueless about what my job will be. As I signed the contract, apart from the job is about finance they didn’t disclose anything, for some reasons which we all found out soon and understood why. But despite the doubts, I made a giant leap of faith, after all, I’ve prayed for this and I believe this is what I prayed for.

So after a year, here I am writing this as I recount on the past year that I have spent with the company. Everyday was full of surprises, exciting, overwhelming, ‘though at times it’s quite too much to handle and I must admit that I also reached the point of breaking. The entire  experience was fast phased and life changing. In just two weeks we all found ourselves touching the grounds of Singapore for training. I was forced to try living abroad alone, it was a great experience as apart from the training concerning work, I made friends with different types of people in terms of nationality, not to mention how being in a foreign land for quite sometime exposed me to lot of different things. The entire year was a roller coaster of emotions, the work we had to do was not easy, up to now we are still on the process of stabilizing things and everyday there’s always something new to be discovered. As I said, it wasn’t easy but thank God for very good mentors and for being with the company of great people who made pressures a lot more bearable as they double their roles as friends. The team is bigger now, from 8 we’ve grown into a less than 20. I moved out of the house, I’m not often in Greenbelt as I used to, not as “pasaway” as before, I can’t book trips in a minute, I’m quite a busy person now. There were a lot of changes and I cannot say that I didn’t asked for this, there may be times when I tell myself “be careful with what you wish for ’cause you just might get it” but overall, I will still not trade the past year for anything. I can’t say up to how many more years will I celebrate an anniversary with them but of this I am sure, I am grateful for the past 365 days that was.

Simply Broken Hearted

The heart doesn’t have eyes,

But it knows how to cry.

Is not made of fragile glass,

But it breaks

Gets wounded even if physically intact

It remembers even if it has no brain

Makes a choice even if not asked

Knows no logic but decides

Falls without leaving its place

The most complicated,

But the most vital

That one thing even a genius can’t understand.

My heart is crying,

Maybe it’s breaking.

The wounds hurt,

As it remembers everything.

Asking itself why a no sense choice was made

Why did it decide to fall

With the most complicated situation

I cannot understand

Maybe I never will

But I do hope, it heals

After all…

Nobody died of a broken heart.

Gusto ko lang naman ng Mc Donald’s Fries eh

 

I’ve always been amused by Mc Donald’s commercials and this is the latest one. It’s really cute, two innocent kids in the playground wanting just the very simple things in life. And of course, the melodramatic overanalyzing me that I am can’t help it once again, so here I am going overboard on this very cute advertisement.

“Gusto ko lang naman ng Mc Donald’s fries” eh, oo tulad nung bata sa TV simple lang naman ang gusto ko. Oo simple lang, sa maniwala ka’t sa hindi. Hindi man halata sa hitsura ko lalo na sa pananamit ko, pero simple lang naman talaga ang gusto ko. Magparamdam ka lang sana araw araw, make me feel that I’m a part of your day, that you’ll make time for me kahit na super busy ka. I’m not asking you to talk to me 24/7, just make me feel your existence and that I am a part of it. Hindi naman siguro yun mahirap, maraming means of communication, hindi ko rin naman sinasabing tumawag ka parati kahit minsan lang para ma-feel ko naman that I’m really special just like what you said before, na hindi ako tulad ng mga normal mong kaibigan na sa chat mo lang rin nakakausap. Hindi ko rin sinasabing mag-relocate ka dito o pumunta ka now na, just assure me na babalik ako para alam ko man lang saan magsisimula magbilang. Hindi ko sinasabing mag-I love you ka or what pero sana lang magkaliwanagan naman tayo kung ano ‘to. Mahirap kasi eh, nakakalito and most of the time unfair, unfair not only for me but for both of us. ‘Lam ko kung iisipin nating mabuti ‘to hindi talaga practical…but what about taking chances? After all, Life is all about it…wala naman talagang kasiguraduhan ang mga bagay sa mundo. Sa totoo lang, minsan nga naiisip ko tapusin na lang pero may tatapusin ba in the first place? at paano? kung sakaling tapusin man hindi rin ata mawawala ang mga tanong…ano nga ba ko sa’yo? Kung bukas ba mawala ako, hahanapin mo ko? Sakaling mabalitaan mong may umaligid sa akin ipaglalaban mo ba ko? O uupo ka lang dyan at walang gagawin, sabay sabing let nature run its course, sana lang ma-realize mo it is us who make up the nature. Sayang, nakakapanghinayang talaga, kahit ganyan ka sumakto ka sa hinahanap ko eh, kahit na wala akong sinabing adjective kay Lord, sumakto ka yun nga lang we belong to different races living in different nations, we’re miles apart. Kung babalikan…paano nga ba tayo nagkakilala hanggang sa paano humantong sa ganito, malamang tulad ko hindi mo rin akalain na magiging ganito kung ano man ‘to. I don’t know if you just came along to play a non-permanent role in my life or you’ll eventually be casted on a permanent one but whatever it is…Salamat, salamat..alam kong mahanap mo man ang blog entry na ‘to hindi mo pa rin maiintindihan. Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi na lang in English ko sinulat, sabihin na lang natin na parte ‘to ng pagkatao ang linggwaheng iilang salita lang ang naiintindihan mo, the same as hindi ko rin naman naiintindihan ang mother tongue mo. Pero saka na natin isipin yun, gusto ko lang malaman mo na tulad nung batang cute sa commercial simple lang rin naman ang gusto ko.”